


I Hold My Regrets In One Arm And You In The Other

by BlueVelvetHeart



Category: Football RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M, Fun times with boys who can't handle emotions, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mats in a dress, Sequel, because why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueVelvetHeart/pseuds/BlueVelvetHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mario's back and many things have changed. His love for Marco hasn't, if only he could find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Coming home should be easy

**Author's Note:**

> So i made a sequel just because i need distractions and i thought I could do a good job. It's not included in the series because basically if you're like me and thought the ending was good then you can skip this but if you are one of them who wasn't happy with the ending then you can read this. Yeah this is a sequel to Look Past The Cover and You'll Find A Good Book. I apologise for all spelling and grammar mistakes.

Mario smiles and breathes in air as good as Munich is, it’ll never be as good as Dortmund. He scans the airport for any familiar faces but then again it has been three years, a lot can change. He’s changed but deep down he’s still that boy with hope in his bright eyes that set off to take on the world. That hopes faded but it’s been replaced with a knowing glint. He knows how it all works now, he knows what goes on in the world. Mario’s deep thinking is interrupted by a shout,

“Cherub!” Someone yells, Mario side steps and skips his way through the crowd before seeing a familiar mop of blonde hair and a wolfish grin. Marcel. Mario’s face lights up as Marcel’s arms engulf him in a hug. Mario smiles and hugs Marcel back,

“Long time no see.” Mario laughs and Marcel shrugs carelessly. Deep down he’s glad Mario’s back, maybe Marco will be back soon then.

“I’m surprised you never came to visit to be honest. I thought you’d be rushing back to see your one true love, _Marco_.” Marcel admits, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly before looking down, “And… I kind of missed you a little.”

“Awww I knew it, you missed me following you around, didn’t you?” Mario teases, smirking as he pulls his back pack up. Marcel just scowls and turns to walk away when a little person hits his legs.

“Oh hey Rosa.” Marcel mutters looking down at the little girl, Mario eyes her warily. Marcel has a kid? But she looks nothing like him, dark hair, green eyes…

“Marcel! You can’t just say ‘oh hey’ to a baby! Your shampoo must have gone to your brain!” Mats marches over, huffing and puffing before  he picks up Rosa who begins staring at Mario with her big green eyes, Mario was freaked to say the least. Who was this random child?

“At least my hair is better than yours!” Marcel fires back, Mats rolls his eyes.

“ _Please_ , mine is much better than your floppy little mess of hair.”

Neven strolls over coolly and smile at Mario apologetically. Although Mario never really spoke to Neven, he gets that he’s a cool guy and he is Mats and Mats is his. Or at least that’s the way it looks when they look at each other, it reminds Mario of how Marco looked at him just two weeks before he left. So much love in his eyes, all for Mario. No one else, just him.  Mario’s heart twists a little at the thought of Marco.

“Ladies, Ladies calm down.” Neven drapes his arm around Mats’ shoulder; Mats smiles slightly and leans into Neven’s touch.

“We all know my hair is _the best_.” Neven says, smirking and nodding satisfied as Mats’ gapes at him and  Marcel just scoffs.

“Neven, I’ve never even seen you put product on your hair.” Mats narrows his eyes as Neven just shrugs,

“That’s what makes it better _o naturale_.” Neven sighs and twists his fingers into Mats’ hair, “Yours okay, I guess.”

“You weren’t saying that last night, were you?” Mats mutters folding his arms and raising an eyebrow.

“You weren’t saying _anything_ last night.” Neven retorts, raising his own eyebrow self-satisfied. Mario wonders if they were always this sassy.

“Guys! Children are present!” Marcel exclaims, snatching Rosa from Mats who has her fist stuffed in her mouth in a cute baby way.

“Why did you steal their child?” Mario questions, looking from Rosa to Neven to Mats to Rosa to Marcel.  Marcel just snorts repeatedly, Mats goes bright red and buries his face in Neven’s neck and Neven just smiles and looks like he could actually give Mario an answer.

“No, that child is not ours because Mats can’t take care of himself, that’s why he has me.” Neven replies  looking fondly at Mats ,who is sniggering into Neven’s neck which tickles but Neven has a brilliant poker face, the kid really has been away too long. Rosa frowns and suddenly burst into tears, everyone turns a gives Marcel the look of shame; he just shrugs. Mario just giggles; Marcel does that thing everybody does when a baby starts crying where they jiggle them up and down. Mario doesn’t even get the point of that and he has never seen it actually work so.  Marcel just looks pathetic as he pulls face of distress when she doesn’t stop after five minutes. Rosa suddenly stops when a familiar voice appears,

“Mats, I leave you alone for five seconds with my baby and you go missing with my baby. I don’t even know why we’re here, your wedding is in like three weeks and we’re not going to Ibzia again because you and Neven didn’t even get on the plane and I was stuck with the new fucking French dude, Marcel, Kuba and Kevin. It was not fun. We were lost in fucking Ibzia and we can’t even speak Spanish like what were you thinking?!” Lewy rants and raves, Mats just smirks and Neven looks suddenly interested in his shoes. Lewy stops and takes a deep breath before looking up and seeing Mario. His eyes go wide and Mario doesn’t know what to expect; Lew could hug him, yell at him, slap him, just look at him. Instead of doing those nice things that a good friend would do, Lewy decides to pull out a bag of familiar sausage and throw it at Mario which hits him on his nose

“So you finally had enough of Munich and decided to come back to Dortmund.” Lewy states, smiling smugly as if he’s won some sort of contest. Mario just gives Lewy his own version of Lewy’s Look before pointing to Rosa,

“Is that kid yours?”

“Yes, _Rosa_ is mine. Thank you very much.”Lewy replies, glancing at his daughter who is now pouting cutely. Lewy beams proudly at his daughter and Mario looks at her carefully; there’s nothing special about her, really, except she’s Lewy’s. But then that itself makes her special because she is Lewy’s because Mario _never_ expected Lewy to have a kid (for one) but also she is Lewy’s. Mario now gets why parents never see wrong in their kids or they’re so proud sometimes because it’s their kid, their little baby that is going to be  a better them and they made that. Okay that last bit is weird but Mario just rolls with it; it was a long flight and there is only so much of  Rachel from Friends annoying voice you can take.

“Wait, wedding?” Mario narrows his eyes, he heard the word married which means wedding.

“Ugh you’re so slow. Yes, Mats and Neven are getting married.” Marcel sighs and Lewy rolls his eyes.

“Weren’t you paying attention?” Lewy frowns at his friend. Mario could smack him so hard right now. This is not the welcome back he thought of on his way.

“I was busy having Polish Sausage thrown in my face.” Mario says, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“I can’t believe you didn’t even ask. Rude.” Mats sighs over dramatically and thrust his hand in Mario’s face. It’s not a fancy glittering golden ring; in fact it’s quite the opposite. It’s a simple silver ring but it had tiny little words engraved in it in gold which gave it a nice little glow when held in the light. Mario would sigh happily but the way Marcel was eyeing him, he manages to suppress it and just smile. He really is happy for them and  if he remembers right, before he left Neven and Mats  just got together but according to Marco they had been dancing around their feelings for a long time; when Marco told him that he laughed asked what exactly had they been doing, Marco just laughed and kissed him. Mario touches his lips quickly pretending to brush something away; he missed Marco’s lips against his. He missed Marco. He thought he’d be here or Marcel would have brought him. Mario’s brought of his thoughts by a small hand pawing at his face, Rosa’s pouting even more.

“Uncle Mario…” she whispers in a tiny voice that Mario can just hear if he leans close which he does out of politeness and because Neven is jerking his head in her direction. Lewy smiles proudly and plants a kiss on her cheek, Rosa just blushes and ducks her head.

“You need to go get drunk.” Marcel mutters gruffly, turning to Mario. Everyone nods in agreement,

“It’s like 11 o’clock, Marcel.” Mario deadpans.

“Nearly 12 now.” Neven says glancing at his watch, Mario pulls a face because who even still wears a watch?

“Right, me and Neven will go sort out some wedding shit,” Mats gestures his hand wildly as if he vaguely knows what they’re going to do, “ Marcel look after my sweet little munchkin and for Christ sake don’t try and feed her anything in your house. Lewy, go get him drunk” And with that, Mats grabbed Neven’s hand and walked away blabbing about cakes and dancing.

“Well, let’s go. Marcel take good care of my child, please. Or I will kill you.” Lewy pecks his child gently on her forehead before whisking Mario away to a pub. Marcel sighs and looks down at the little girl in his arms,

“It’s just you and me, eh?”

Rosa shrugs and looks up at Marcel, Marcel would facepalm; of course he’s in charge of her.

“Um how about we go get some food yeah?” Marcel smiles nervously, Lewy would kill him if he did anything to his child. But to Marcel’s joy, Rosa nods and smiles shyly. He can see why Lewy loves her so much, so cute and sweet. Marcel smiles, a genuine smile that no one ever really sees, and Rosa snuggles into his chest. Maybe his heart melts just a little bit.

 

 

“So why now?”Lewy asks as blunt as ever. They’re sitting in a booth in a secluded corner, sipping beer awkwardly. Mario bites his lip, he doesn’t want to talk about university or how it went or why he’s back; he just wants to enjoy fitting in and belonging. He stuck out like sore thumb at Munich, no matter how hard Toni and his mates tried; he was always the odd one out. Mario takes a quick sip before answering,

“It felt right to come back at this time.”

He feels like he’s being interviewed.

“And not any other time?”

“Um no, I was… I was with someone and I only just broke it off.” Mario mumbles  and looks up at Lewy’s, as always, blank expression. He’s not surprised. Mario is a little but then Lewy is always surprising everyone.

“Was he nice?” Lewy questions narrowing his eyes. He would have interrogated Toni, find out his whole life story and then decide whether he was fit for Mario. Mario likes to think he was because Toni was a nice guy, a really nice guy who deserved a much better boyfriend than Mario yet he still put up with him.

“He was.. great. He was the best boyfriend I could have asked for.”

“But he wasn’t Marco, was he?”

Mario’s surprised after all this time, Lewy can still read him like a book, he’ll always been an open book to Lewy. Mario nods and takes a long sip. He’d rather not talk about anything like that.

“What about you? I mean before you were  a lazy slob who just sat around giving me random life advice," Mario pauses trying to find the right words before he just settles on the simplest choice. "and now you have a kid.”

Mario really wants to know because he needs to get his own life in order. Maybe he’s exaggerating but well, it feels bad, it feels like he could have done better and so much more. He regrets leaving really but he can’t take that back no matter how much he wishes he could. It’s hard because there were so many reasons to leave and so many reasons to stay; but sometimes when he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t go get beer, he’d think if there actually were as many reasons for leaving as there was staying. Usually there wasn’t.  Lewy shifts uncomfortably in his seat and doesn’t look Mario in the eyes, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out; Lewy’s back doing what he did before, he’s dealing, he’s killing.

“Why? Things can’t be that bad.” Mario frowns and leans forward. It really can’t, Lewy has loads of money from back when he did it before so why would he need to start up again.  Lewy runs a hand through his hair and flops back on his chair.

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t. It feels natural. When I hold my gun in my hand, when I count my earnings; I feel like I belong.” Lewy bites his lip, “Yet it feels so wrong at the same time, I come home to see my daughter and she looks at me with those big bright green eyes and I feel shit. I feel like I’m the worst person because we’re not struggling, we’re fine, we’re stable but it feels natural and I can’t shake that feeling.”

 Lewy looks up and for the second time in his life, Mario doesn’t see blankness or scrutiny; he sees pure, raw emotion shimmering in Lewy’s eyes. Mario gets out of his chair and hugs Lewy, he hugs him tight and he feels small but he can tell Lewy feels smaller.  

“Does Anna know?” Mario whispers, Lewy shakes his head.

“Nope and I don’t have any plans of telling her.” He unwraps himself from Mario and looks at him with hard, blank eyes; Mario would rather Lewy look at him like that than the way he did a few minutes ago.

“And it doesn’t help Marco’s missing.” Lewy mumbles quietly, downing his beer. Mario feels a  feeling of dread run through his body; did he hear that right? Marco missing?

“What?”

Lewy looks at him with wide eyes and covers his mouth, he obviously wasn’t suppose to tell him. “Oh. Umm well nobody’s seen Marco for ages, we have no idea where he is.”

Mario nearly falls backward but Lewy catches him and pulls him forward. Marco can’t be missing, when he thinks of home he thinks of Dortmund and when he thinks of Dortmund he thinks of Marco. The two do not work without the other in Mario’s head. They simply cannot. Mario thinks back to a lecture when one of Toni’s friends, Javi, was high and he started mumbling weird stuff about world’s crumbling or crashing down. It’s a lie. World’s fade; in Mario’s mind he was a world that is  his own world with everything he loves and the part where Marco was fades as it sinks in. Fading, Fading, Fading.  Mario puts on a brave face, despite being an open book, and downs his beer.

Mario gets up and heads to the bar, he doesn’t even need to ask Lewy because he knows he could use a few drinks too.


	2. Sandwiches and Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go to Kloppo's sandwich shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is awful. I actually can't stand this chapter. It is nothing. I apologsie for spelling and grammar mistakes and for making this entire series/universe but mostly this chapter. It started off okay but i'm so tired and i don't have any ideas and i;m not re writing this so.

It’s not that Mario’s moping, pining or whatever; he just can’t be bothered doing anything. It’s a lot of effort and for what? So society accepts him? They probably don’t accept him anyway but according to Lewy it’s worth a try. Mario shrugs it off and goes back to listening to shitty love songs. He looks after Rosa when Lewy’s working, it’s fun and Rosa seems very happy to be on her own than pester Mario to play. Sometimes she does but it’s very rare.  Mario asked Lewy about it but he says that’s just the way she is.

Now Lewy is patient, very patient, he’s put up with Nuri and Mario for a long time and he’s known Mats for a long time. So Lewy has a  lot of patience but he doesn’t have any patience with shitty love songs; he can handle Taylor Swift, he can tolerate 80s stuff but once he hears ‘All Around the World’ then he draws the line. Lewy doesn’t mind the song but it’s pathetic that Mario’s chose that song, it’s horribly relatable and Lewy might puke at how cheesy this situation is.  So he decides to take Mario to the jolliest person he knows that can brighten any day; Kloppo.

“Hey loser.” Lewy greets, walking into his front room and turning the stereo off. Mario merely glances at him.

“We’re going back to your flat then we’ll go on adventure.”

Rosa’s head shoots up and she grins happily.

“What’s the point?” Mario groans before scrunching his face up, “And how is it still _my_  flat? I’ve been gone for 3 years.”

“Oh Marcel kind of got attached to  you so after you left  he kept paying for it while you were gone. So if you came back you could stay there.”

Mario blinks and sits up, that’s a really nice thing to do. Something clicks in Mario’s mind and he feels the urge to do something, to go out because someone did something nice for him. Just him and he thinks he should go do something, whether it’s nice or not is up to Mario but he needs to do something.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, he’s a real softie. Anyway, adventure, let’s go.”

Mario smiles a little and stands up slowly, his knees cracking, and brushes the dust off him.

“How long have you been there?” Lewy asks, frowning worriedly as he picks up Rosa. Mario looks away and speed walks out the door. Lewy looks at his little girl who shrugs and he shrugs back before following Mario.

 

When they arrive, Mario’s flat is exactly the same as he left it. His bed is still a mess of sheets and the cupboard door is still open because Mario had to slam it shut which was a lot of effort.  Lewy raises eyebrows and nods.

“Right come on, have a shower, get dressed maybe… shave  you look scruffy as hell and just be clean for god’s sake.” Lewy orders sitting down on Mario’s couch with Rosa. Rosa shuffles about before settling down and pointing at the bathroom, Mario stomps in while muttering under his breath.

“So,, did you have fun with Marcel yesterday?” Lewy asks smiling at his little girl, she nods enthusiastically.

“Yeah! We got some food, played ide and seek then I played in th park.” Rosa says, nodding. Lewy smiles, well at least he won’t have to snap Marcel’s back in half.  Mario rushes out the bathroom, looking clean, acceptable, shaved and showered. He also has a burgundy hoodie and a cap that Lewy’s sure is actually Marco’s but he doesn’t say anything.

“Come on.” Lewy hauls Rosa up and strolls out the door with Mario quickly following behind.

 

 

Lewy’s known Kloppo since he arrived in Dortmund, you can’t join without meeting Kloppo. Kloppo is usually on the other side of the city, doing whatnot but since Marco’s been missing he came to the side where they all reside, right now he’s bought a fucking diner(which Lewy thinks is ridiculous, no matter how good the food is.) and is just happily living off that. Kloppo is like a dad to them all but especially to Marco. Kloppo brought Marco with him and nobody questioned it because you don’t question Kloppo.

Lewy swings open the door and puts Rosa down. Rosa smiles sweetly and Lewy bites his lip because he knows what’s coming,

“KLOPPO!” She screams excitedly after the sound of a few crashing pots and pans and apologies, Kloppo appears, stumbling out of the kitchen.

“Ahhh, it’s my favorite little munchkin!” Kloppo yells, Rosa runs into his arms and he picks her up and spins her round. Mario quirks an eyebrow at Lewy who just grins back. Kloppo puts Rosa down on the counter and past her head.

“Lewy! And you brought company!” Kloppo grins and Mario can’t help but smile brightly.

“Hi.” He murmurs quietly, waving a little. Rosa giggles and kicks her feet, Kloppo smiles fondly at her.

“Well little Fräulein, what would you like today?” Kloppo says, leaning on the counter.

“I would like some chips and a cake, please.” Rosa says as she pats Kloppo on his head; Kloppo bows before heading into the kitchen yelling about chips and cakes.

“Who is he?” Mario asks turning to face Lewy who sits down in a booth. Mario copies him and leans forward,

“Oh, he’s Kloppo. He knows Marco very well, he brought him I believe.”  Mario’s eyes widen a little, maybe Kloppo knows where he is. “But we’re not here for that. We’re here for food and fun.”

Mario frowns,

“That sounds fucking ridiculous.”

“Oh come on! Kloppo can get anyone out of their mood. He even helped Mats and Neven get together! He’s like magic, I swear. And you can’t argue because I saw you crack a smile before.” Lewy points a finger before settling back into his seat. “And the food’s great. All you’ve been eating is cereal and bread.”

Mario shrugs and looks away, just as he does Kloppo comes bouncing over.

“The same as always, Lewy?”

“Add some Polish sausage.”

Mario pulls a face and Kloppo laughs, his eyes crinkling.

“You are not a fan?”

“No, unlike Lewy, I actually want to keep my taste buds.”

Kloppo laughs again,

“Oh you’ve found a good one here, Lewy.”

“If  I didn’t have Anna, I’d be all over him.”

Mario scowls and Lewy smirks. Kloppo raises an eyebrow, smirking as well before sliding next to Lewy. Mario pulls a face,

“Don’t gang up on  me.”

“This is payback for that week before you left! You and Marco ganged up on me endlessly!” Lewy says, pouting a little; he can see where Rosa gets that from.

“Marco?” Kloppo questions along with a raised eyebrow, Mario looks away.

“Um yeah. I  dated this guy about three years ago. We only got together a few weeks before I left for University which was in Munich.” Mario mumbles and he feels his heart squeeze a little. It hurt because the time they had was so short and they deserved so much more.

“Um... your Marco…” Lewy mutters and Kloppo slams his hands down on the table which causes Lewy and Mario to jump.

“It is a pleasure to meet you!” Kloppo’s face is like a Christmas tree, all bright and lit up.  Kloppo launches himself and hugs Mario, Mario blinks looking for  Lewy who has somehow disappeared probably to check on Rosa, before he hugs Kloppo back.

“Marco went on and on about this fabulous boy, who he saw everyday at the bus stop. Non-stop, he often referred to you as Cherub though. That is until you left which of course then he told me the _whole_ story then I found out your name.”

Mario is freaking out on the inside because: a) he hit Marco, b) he got Marco shot like Jesus Christ you can’t do much worse than that. Mario didn’t mean for any of those things to happen but they did and it’s frightening because he didn’t forget those events(Oh no, he remembers he had nightmares a few months after that scared the shit out of him) but he forgot the impact they could have on others. Yes they may not have had any major impact on Lewy, Mario and Marco but parents or guardians or whatever are usually very protective. Mario kind of tenses up and fidgets in his seat. Kloppo just gets up and wanders into the kitchen, he strolls back out five minutes later with a sandwich in hand. He places it down on the table gently and smiles,

“Eat up or it’ll go cold.”

Mario stares at the sandwich dumbfounded. He gave him a sandwich, he didn’t slap, yell or punch him. Klopp gave him a  sandwich. He got his son(or whatever relation they are, Mario's best guess is son) shot and the man gives him a sandwich and a smile. He's not sure if he's crazy or if Kloppo is. It’s a pretty big sandwich but Mario is sure he can eat it; plus it would be rude not to.

“Ummm….What’s on it?”

“That’s not important.”

Mario nods slowly and picks up the sandwich, he takes a slow bite. Mario almost drops the sandwich in shock, that’s the best motherfucking sandwich he’s ever had.

“Oh my god, noooo!” Lewy whines running over, “He got the special one!” Lewy throws himself across the chair dramatically. Mario’s halfway through when he stops and looks up at Lewy,

“Huh?”

Lewy galres at Mario as he sits up,

“Every month, Kloppo makes this sandwich. It has everything on it and it is delicious but he only makes one. And only one person gets it. And you got it.”

“Huh? Did you say something? I was too busy enjoying this _gorgeous_  sandwich.” Mario tease says as he takes another bite . Lewy scowls even more,

“We’re leaving.” Lewy mutters and he gets up and finds his child.

Mario’s waiting at the door when Kloppo rests a hand on his shoulder,

“Come back soon.”

Mario smiles and nods, if Kloppo makes sandwiches like that then he’ll definitely be coming back.

“Hey, Mario can you take Rosa and wait outside?” Lewy asks , handing her over to Mario, Rosa’s asleep and sucking her thumb; Mario coos as he walks outside with her.

“Do you know where he is?” Lewy enquires in a steely tone.

“No I am afraid not.”

“You better not be lying, Kloppo. Because that kid,” Lewy points to the door, “Won’t eat properly, sleep properly. He won’t function because he’s worried about fucking Marco who obviously is god knows where!”

“You done?” Kloppo says calmly, keeping his composure.

“You better find him. For Mario’s sake.” Lewy challenges before leaving.

Kloppo pulls a face before returning to the kitchen.

 

 

A few hours later, after the lunch rush has been and gone, and the workers have left too; Kloppo is closing up when a familiar voice calls out,

“Kloppo make me a sandwich.”

“That boy of yours came in with Lewy.” Kloppo waits for a response then continues when he is greeted with silence, “Apparently he’s not doing well. Not eating properly or sleeping.”

“Fuck.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“It seems you never do.”

“It’s not my fault.”

“Then who’s is it?”

“Listen Kloppo, I-.”

“No, Marco, you need to sort this out. It’s ridiculous; I don’t even understand why you’re hiding away.”

 “I bet it’s just because he hasn’t adjusted. I mean three years is a long time.”

Kloppo sighs and turns to Marco,

“Stop making excuses! It’s pathetic! Honestly, you say you love him yet you can’t bare to face him. You’re scared to and why?!” Kloppo yells, Marco flinches slightly and looks down. He’s not answering that.

“I’ll take that sandwich to go.”

Kloppo huffs and begins making Marco’s sandwich.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't even tell me what you think. Jfc its bad.


	3. If I told you what I was, Would you turn your back on me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mario eventually stopped moping about after his trip to Kloppo’s which was pretty good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, it took me long enough. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. I apologise for not updating, grammar and spelling mistakes and missing words.  
> The title of this chapter is from 'Monster' by Imagine Dragons.I didn't mean for Lewy's bit was so long. I got caught up in the feels

Mario eventually stopped moping about after his trip to Kloppo’s which was pretty good. There was still a Marco shaped hole in his life; Lewy knew at the same time it was tearing Mario up yet bringing him together. Lewy puts Mario in charge of looking after Rosa until Anna comes back at 4, he trusts Mario and Rosa seems to like him. Everything is going well. Except it’s not.  Lewy’s just disappointed in  himself, instead of getting a real job he’s out doing _that_. He doesn’t even know what to call it. He can’t even call it a job; he can’t even tell his own family what he’s doing. Some people in the world are proud of their jobs. Lewy wishes he was one of them. Lewy doesn’t know what Anna thinks, despite Mario’s constant protesting he is not a mind reader, he’s doing when he says he's going to work. Sometimes he thinks she knows deep down that it's a habit he can't quit, and other times it’s like she’s oblivious. Lewy doesn’t know which hurts him more, because someday he wants to marry this woman but he’s lying to her every day. He used wake up and look at her as she sleeps, sometimes he’d brush her hair away when it fell on her face. Lewy hardly ever does that anymore without feeling guilt in the pit of his stomach and turning away.  He knows someday he’ll have to tell her and half of him hopes that day  is soon, the other half hopes it never comes. See, he’s not scared of actually telling her, it’s the consequences, the results, the aftermath. His worst fear is she’ll leave and take Rosa. That scares the shit out of him because he deserves them. Not in an arrogant way, Lewy’s a good person deep down who made a lot of wrong choice that he regrets. He remembers when he was a kid, so happy and carefree. He just wanted to make everyone happy, then he realized a lot of things about the world and his attitude changed completely which led him to what he is now: A selfish, angry, sarcastic douchebag. But if Lewy constantly thought of himself like that then he’d get nowhere so instead he doesn’t, he thinks exactly the opposite because when you have a kid you have to be positive or the kid won’t be, because your kid looks up to you and Lewy knows what it's like to look up to the wrong person, and you want the best for your kid. So Lewy pretends he is not selfish or angry, he stays sarcastic because Jesus Christ this world is full of stupid people and they deserve it. 

 

Lewy remembers when he first met Anna very well. She hated him with a burning passion; there was none of that book crap where as soon as she  saw him she fell in love or he caught her eye from across the room. At the time, Lewy was trying to steal her bag. In his defense, he didn’t know she could do Karate and he also just wanted a bit of spare cash.  Is that too much to ask? Either way, she kicked his ass before he even had a chance to garb the actual bag. Then she swore at him in Polish, which Lewy was kind of amazed at because wow she kicked his ass and she’s Polish, before storming off. Lewy was impressed, very impressed, but he just got up and carried on doing his thing until he started seeing her around more. They would never bump into each other but she’d always pop up. Lewy would never smile when he saw her, he always smirked and rubbed his elbow where he banged it when she kicked him to the ground.

Then one night, it was a cold Saturday night around November time, Lewy was walking back to his flat. He had just been out with Kuba, Łukasz, Marcel and a few others after a long boring day of work; no one to kill, no one to hunt down. Back then, Lewy lived for the thrill, the look in their eyes as all hope vanished. He was walking past some seedy bar when he hears a muffled scream coming from behind the bins. He crept up behind the bins and craned his neck round to see a woman pinned up against the wall by three men. It didn’t matter it was Anna, he would have done the same in any situation. He marched right over and punched all three guys, of course they put up a fight but it was a pretty pathetic one, he took them out easy and when one threatened to get up he dragged out his gun. He looked over at Anna who was still against the wall, breathing heavily. Lewy asked if she was okay and she shrugged  before looking down at her ankle. Lewy then helped her and they managed to hop together to the hospital. And after that, Lewy was pretty sure he had won her over with his heroic performance despite her refusal to admit it. She didn’t fall in love with him, instantly but  she stopped calling him a thief after he started visiting her at her gym and giving her tips even though she might not have needed them.  Lewy was smitten with her when she smiled at him for the first time; she hadn’t even smiled when he saved her mainly because of the pain but also because she was cautious still. Lewy had never really made anyone happy in his life, his parents were never satisfied no matter how hard he tried and his friends… Well the type of people he was in with weren’t what’d you call friends.  So making Anna smile and laugh was great, it was lovely seeing the way her eyes shone or the way her eyes crinkled when she laughed.

Then she found out what Lewy did, they hadn’t been dating long only a few months, she flipped at first because it’s not a common or morale occupation and he was putting his life on the line. Anna is and was many things and persuasive was one of them.

Lewy, in the back of his mind, maybe just a little, wanted to die. He wanted to see what it is was like but he also just couldn’t be bothered. No one believed in him, no one really cared. The gang did but it was different, they were all fucked up and had their own issues.  Maybe that’s why he joined the gang in the first place, to live on the edge and hopefully die. Anna brought all that crashing down, if Lewy died people were going to miss him, if Lewy died he wasn’t coming back and no one would know what he was thinking about death so no one would understand. Then came the deal breaker, Anna would miss him. Lewy’s never been used to people showing such emotion towards him but he cried. He cried so hard when she told him that because she was telling him if Lewy died she would miss him. She didn’t know him well at all. Yet she stood by that and looked him in the eye and said it.

And that was it, Lewy stopped. He told Mats to tell the others he was stopping. They were okay without, he was replaceable in a way but he knew they would miss him really in another way. Anna continued to work in a clothes shop and practice Karate while Lewy stayed at home doing nothing. He just never could find something that ignited as much passion as killing and stealing did. It was far from ideal but they handled it well. They handled everything well together. Hand in Hand.

But Lewy refused to just back out without a bang. He refused to just fade away, so he asked Mats, Marco and Neven to help him out with something. He was going to get back at the guys who hurt Anna. Looking back, Lewy knows it was stupid but nobody stopped him. It was simple really, find the guys, shoot them. Done. But nothing is ever simple really, it turns out the guys were Russian drug dealers or something and they were still pissed at Lewy.  Lewy never meant to kill them , just shoot them in the legs then run but they put up a fight and it got nasty. Things spiralled quickly out of control and before he knew it Mats was lying on the floor, curled up in a ball and his head was bleeding badly; Neven rushed over to him immediately and whispered in Mats ear, Lewy had no idea what he said. Marco was shouting at Lewy but he couldn’t hear him, it sounded all muffled and the guys were bleeding only the floor and it was all so real. He didn’t mean to, he never meant for it to happen. Not like that.

 

 

Lewy, Mario are sitting in Kloppo’s, Mario’s eating this massive burger and Lewy’s munching on some chips. Then Neven and Mats burst in;

“No. No that is my final answer!” Mats yells, storming away from Neven who’s looking exasperated.

“But you’ll look great!” Neven says a little unconvincingly and Mats spins round and puts his hand on his hips.

“Really? You think I would look good in something like that?! I have pride!” Mats retorts, folding his arms and turning his back on Neven who sighs. Lewy nudges Mario who is  staring at his burger adoringly,

“Trouble in Paradise, eh?” Lewy chuckles quietly.

“Matsy moo, please do this for me.”                                                

“It’s not just your wedding!”

“But if you do it then people will remember our wedding.”

“I do not think that for people to remember our wedding I would have to wear _that_.”

“Oh come on it’s not that bad.”

“It’s satin! Not even silk!”

“I’ll buy you a silk one if you want.”

“I don’t want to wear the stupid thing.”

“Mats, you can’t go naked to your own wedding.” Lewy snorts, swallowing a chip, “As funny as it would be.”

Mats marches overt to Mario and Lewy’s table and slams his hands down on the table, shaking his head.

“Oh no, I’m not going _naked_. I’m going in a _dress_.” Mats says loudly and sarcastically, turning round to glare at Neven who shrugs helplessly.

“It’s not like it’s my choice, the wedding place messed up the order!” Neven mumbles and turns away, “I think you’ll look nice anyway.”

“Awww your opinion means so much. I’m glad you think I’m going to look good in a _fucking dress._ ”

Lewy winces at Mats’ tone and Mario snaps out of his trance.

“The burger says you should do it.” Mario says, taking a big bite. Mats spins round with narrow eyes and it takes all his self restraint to not smack that burger out of his hands.

“You look good in anything.” Neven mutters stiffly and Mats feels a bit bad. It’s just he’s a dude and dudes don’t wear dresses and this is _his_ special day. Even if he proposed and not Neven.  Neven shrugs and walks into the bathroom, Mats looks at lewy and frowns before rushing after him.

“He’s so gonna blow him.” Marcel murmurs from behind Mario, Mario nearly drops his burger and Lewy drops a chip.

“Holy shit.” Lewys gasps, scowling at a grinning Marcel.  He slides down next to Mario and his eyes widen,

“That’s a big burger you got there.”

Mario nods enthusiastically and looks at it fondly, Marcel is a little bit freaked out by that but he just inches away ever so slightly. Lewy catches Marcel and mouths ‘He used to look at Marco a bit like that.’.Marcel nods, his friends were crazy he stopped being surprised a long time ago, before mouthing ‘Where is Marco?’. Lewy shrugs and looks away before looking back, mouthing ‘I don’t know but Kloppo does.’ Kloppo loves them all but he’s always had a soft spot for Marco.

Their silent conversation is interrupted by the sound of Mats stumbling out the bathroom, his hair a mess and his lips swollen.  Lewy and Marcel raise a eyebrow simultaneously and Mario looks up and smirks.

“I’m wearing the dress.” Mats mumbles and runs a hand through his mess of a hair, ignoring the looks his friends are giving him. “Neven is very persuasive.”

Marcel snorts and Lewy hides his face, Mario just nods;

“Sure he is,Mats.”

Mats scowls as Neven strides out the bathroom, looking neat and confident unlike Mats.

“How about a celebratory drink?” Mats offers and everyone nods and they head out.

Kloppo just shakes his head at the silly men.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mats drinks enough for all of them and is falling over after about half an hour,

“He’s a lightweight.” Neven excuses as Mats plays with his hair, looking dazed. Marcel is sitting in the corner looking awkward as hell as is Lewy. Mario isn’t even tipsy. All he can think about is the time he got drunk with Nuri and Marco carried him home before they made out. Which brings back the painful reminder of the Marco shaped hole in his life, he decides to fuck it all and downs his beer like Mats did earlier. In the back of his mind, he hopes Marco finds him again and carries him home.

 

 

 

Marcel leaves after an hour but buys them more drinks before he does, his excuse is he’s bored and has a wife to get to. Lewy’s leaning against Mario, who is drunk but not like Mats and Neven who are giggling and feeling each other up. Which is slightly disturbing to watch but they’re too drunk to care about much else than each other.

“You miss him so much.” Lewy states and Mario nods sadly, it’s a fact; he misses Marco like hell. Fuck, life without Marco is hell. It’s not like he was special or anything, it was just Mario got used to him so quickly and he loved him, a ridiculous amount for two people who didn’t really know each other. They did but not in a normal way, but normal wasn’t how Mario described his life so describing a relationship as normal was a bit farfetched.

“He missed you. For a long time, I bet he still does.” Lewy says, slurring them slightly and Mario tenses because this is exactly what he doesn’t want to hear right now

.

“I think it’s because he loved you so much. You meant a lot to him.”

Mario stands up and pushes through the crowds before slamming the doors open. He breathes in deeply before being sick. He’s a horrible person who left his boyfriend for something that tore him apart and rebuilt him in the worst way, it was horrid the things they made him do. He did that instead of staying with his boyfriend and lived happily, he probably would have worked at Kloppo’s  and they’d snuggle or fuck on the couch. Mario’s sick again at those thoughts, the what ifs, they could have beens. They hurt because they could have been real, they could have been Mario's life. He stumbles away from the pub and begins walking. Hopefully it will help clear his conscience.

 

 

 

 

He’s walking up to a bridge when he sees a guy just sitting there on the railing, normally he would have ignored it but there’s something pulling him towards the figure; probably the alcohol. He staggers over and leans on the bridge, the wind blowing in his face.

“Hey.” He says quietly and briefly looks up at the figure, there’s no streetlight so he can’t make out the figure's face. He's not sure why he speaks to the man but it's better than drunken stumbling.

“Hey.” The guy whispers back, just as quiet.

“What are you doing here?”

“Admiring the view.”

Mario looks up and around, the view is beautiful. All the streetlights are on and they’re high up so it looks even more breath taking. Looking down at Dortmund and the lights, it’s nice.

“I was going to bring my boyfriend here and kiss him." Mario gives him a incredulous look and the man must feel his stare as he chuckles bitterly. "It doesn’t sound like much but it would’ve meant a lot." The man spreads his arms wide as if he was showing Mario something spectacular."But this is my special place, I come here when I need to think.”

Mario tries to focus on what he thinks is the most important part of the conversation but that is hard with the man talking fast and his alcohol ridden mind. '“Why didn’t you bring him?” He asks, slurring most of the question. 

“He left.”

“Oh.” And a strange feeling begins stirring around in Mario’s stomach. Familiarity. There is no this guy could be… Could there? Maybe it's the alcohol, he tries to push the feeling away but it won't go away. If anything, it grows stronger. No, Marco isn’t the type of guy to hang out on bridges. Then again this is three years since he last saw him, since he could last say he truly knew Marco Reus.

The figure starts fumbling around and for a second Mario thinks he’s going to push himself off but when he pulls two things out of his pocket, Mario relaxes. He doesn’t know why he felt such panic. Maybe it’s just being human kind of thing. General niceness. The figure places the item between his lips and begins running his thumb across something; a cigarette and a lighter. He growls in frustration as he can’t light it.

“You smoke?” Mario enquires. He remembers trying it with Nuri. Not an experience he likes to remember. He never understood the appeal but then who was he to judge?

“Only when I come here. That’s not very often by the way.” 

Mario nods and the guy continue to struggle to light the lighter,

“I can see that.” He chuckles dryly. The guy just scowls and Mario tries not to smile in response. It’s a nice scowl.

“ Here let me do it.” Mario chirps as he pulls himself up and sits on the bridge, taking the lighter. He pities the guy just a little. He lights it on the first time and grins up at the guy who just smiles slightly and rolls his eyes. The familiar feeling washes him over again and he tries not to dwell on it too much. Just focus on lighting the cigarette, Mario tells himself. He holds the lighter up to the cigarette and the guy’s face becomes apparent. Marco. Marco, who hasn’t left his mind since he came back or since he left, who he worried about, who he cares about, who he loves. Who he left. Who has been hiding from him. Marco looks at him with surprise and the cigarette drops out of his mouth and rolls into the river below. Marco doesn’t move but Mario does.

Mario pulls back and punches Marco.


	4. Black holes & revelations And our hopes and expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco stands there and lights a cigarette but it feels wrong and dirty so he puts it out. He only ever really had cigarettes when he came here alone and watched as the city ascended into darkness and the streetlights flickered on, one by one illuminating the city. Marco closes his eyes and takes a deep breath; he should probably head to Lewy’s. At least Mario is kind of okay, he still has his cute chubby face but the innocence and that hope that things will work is gone. What Marco tried to protect is gone. There is no way he can bring it back but he can sure as hell protect the Mario he has now. The only question is, how?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating sooner, I really have no excuse aside from sadness, school and laziness which are bad excuses. Anyway i'm apologise for spelling or grammar errors. My keyboard is playing up again.

“What the fuck are you doing sitting on a bridge?” Mario yells, sliding backwards off the bridge and turning to face Marco. Marco is holding his jaw and smiling weakly as he lays on the floor,

“You still have a good punch.”

Mario resists the urge to punch him again; instead he makes a frustrated noise,

“What were you doing?” Mario asks, in the back of his mind he has a horrible thought that he knows could never be true and that he doesn’t want to be true. He couldn't live with that thought in his head. Marco just shrugs as if Mario hadn't asked him if he was going to kill himself,

“Thinking. You know you tend to do that a lot when the one you love leaves you.” Marco spits bitterly as he stands up, nursing his jaw still.

Mario clenches his fist, how dare he. How fucking dare he, he had a good reason to leave; a reason that  he could never really explain. A reason he still can't, not without hurting everyone. It’s just so difficult to convey feelings sometimes, Mario's always had this problem; he either said too much or not enough . Especially when you know they’ll hurt someone.

“I had a reason.”

“You lied.”

“I did not.”

Marco raises an eyebrow and pulls a face, that makes Mario's heart twist. He wishes he could erase that expression from his mind but it sticks like glue.

“You may not have lied about why you left but what you did in Munich. Which certainly wasn’t university.”

Mario grits his teeth. Yes, Munich was a mistake that maybe he shouldn’t have done. But he didn’t do it willingly, he was dragged into it.

“You made mistakes too. More than me, worse than me.”

Marco,who now seems more confident and slightly bitter,narrows his eyes,

“Don’t play the innocent university student card because that is long gone.”

“Are you jealous?” Mario asks smugly. Marco just frowns;

“What do you have that I should be jealous? What, you had a bigger gun than me? Or did they let you stay out till midnight?! Big boy Mario finally gets trusted enough to stay out after dark!” He mocks mercilessly and it just adds to the built up anger in Mario. If Mario thinks he's still some timid, tight lipped boy then he's in for a shock.

“Toni had me and you didn’t. What did you have? Your hand? A one night stands?” Mario pouts and tilts his head mockingly, his tone mimicking Marco's from moments ago . He knows it’s too far but he can’t care, not now, he made it three years of nearly not caring. No one cared enough to make sure he was okay, as long as he was doing what he was told that was all that mattered.

Marco’s gaze hardens and Mario knows something real is going to come out. Something that's going to hurt like a motherfucker.

“I had friends. I still have those friends. Those friends helped me when I was down, they helped me get back up and realize there’s more. There’s always more and you shouldn’t give up just because you now have lost one.”

Mario blinks, wow deep and truthful. What more could he expect from someone who sits on bridges at night smoking cigarettes? Mario should feel ashamed for what he said(and part of him does) but a bigger part of him needs to say something scathing and brutal. He needed to be tough, prove that he wasn’t still a soft university kid who thought life was rainbows and sweets and binge drinking and caffeine addictions. He proved it in Munich and he’ll prove it to everyone here.

“All you had was-.” Marco starts but is cut off when Mario pushes him up against the bridge. He can’t let him finish that sentence; he can’t face up to what he did. He doesn't want to remember how little he had. Marco just grins and Mario hates the traitorous flutter his heart does.

“Go on, I dare you. I dare you to push me over.”

Mario freezes slightly, he could never do that but he was the power to do it. It’s like when he first held a gun, he could kill someone with just one shot and that was it. Having that kind of power scared him even after all this time. But it also excites him and he wonders if he just pushed Marco just a little, how he would react. He could only imagine the rush he'd get. Mario shakes his head, like shaking the thought out of his head, and lets go of Marco gently and stepping back. He needs to let go of those crazy thoughts, they should have stayed in Munich. Marco just nods as if that confirms something which it does; Mario is still desperately in love with Marco despite trying to forget him.

“Why didn’t you call?” Mario questions changing the subject of regrets and mistakes and decisions to something that wasn’t actually his fault. He hated how his voice cracked as he asked.

“I wanted you to move on. Be happy, without me because let’s be honest I wasn’t the best for you. You could’ve done so much better. And you did.”

“Toni had nothing on you.” Mario blurts out; it’s probably the only honest thing he’s said during their argument. Everything else has been twisted to wound Marco. Toni had nothing on Marco because he was and never could be Marco. Marco runs a hand through his hair and bites his lip; Mario forgot how hot that was.

“You always picked the wrong choice, you shouldn’t have followed Marcel, you shouldn’t have sneaked in to the clock shop, you shouldn’t have punched me that day.” Marco chuckles at the end and takes two steps closer. Mario feels something rise in him, something he hasn’t felt in a long time.

“I regret none of those.” Mario says in a strong voice, the second honest thing. Marco nods almost mindlessly and Mario can tell he just ignores the fact that Mario doesn’t regret it. He wants Marco to acknowledge that he regrets none of it. The fact he ignores it frustrates him, he's not a kid anymore. People should listen to him.

“How was Munich?” The change of subject slaps Mario in the face, he wants to be acknowledged,dammit. Marco takes another step closer and he’s looking at Mario but he’s not _looking_ at him. He’s sizing up for a moment. Mario feels the atmosphere change and it’s tense all of a sudden. Mario wants to run, far away, it feels too intense and it’s too soon for this much Marco. He doesn’t whether he’s going to kiss him or punch him.

“The university was great.” Mario lies uneasily, shuffling backwards slightly. Marco knows so it's pointless lying but it makes Mario feel more in control and more like himself. Marco looks him dead in the eye, his gaze intense as fuck, it’s almost scary but there’s concern hidden deep in his eyes that only Mario would ever be able to see.

“How was _Munich_?” Marco questions, he looks Mario dead in the eye, his gaze is tense as fuck and Mario feels a chill run down his spine.

Then Mario bolts. He runs as fast as he can away from Marco. He can’t face his mistakes yet, he doesn’t know if he ever will but right now he will not. And Marco knows, he knows. Mario just keeps running, having somewhat of an idea where he’s going.

 

 

 

Marco stands there and lights a cigarette but it feels wrong and dirty so he puts it out. He only ever really had cigarettes when he came here alone and watched as the city lit up as streetlights illuminated,one by one. Marco closes his eyes and takes a deep breath; he should probably head to Lewy’s. At least Mario is kind of okay, he still has his cute chubby face but the innocence and that hope that things will work is gone. What Marco tried to protect is gone. There is no way he can bring it back but he can sure as hell protect the Mario he has now. The only question is, how?

 

 

 

 

Mario lines the cans up along the wall and pulls out his gun before taking aim and firing, the can falls easily with a clunk. Mario takes aim again and shoots.

 

 

 

Marco knocks lightly on Lewy’s door, he doesn’t want to wake Rosa or face Lewy’s wrath because he woke Rosa. Lewy swings the door open and his eyes widen. Marco just fixes his beanie, Lewy’s shock lasts five minutes before he punches Marco in the nose and walks back into his flat but he leaves the door open. Marco walks in slowly rubbing his nose slightly, two punches in one night. He's gonna be sore tomorrow. Lewy flops onto the couch and Rosa is laying on the floor colouring.

“Bit late for her to be awake?” Marco asks, sitting on the couch before cautiously putting his feet up

“If she can’t sleep there’s no point in making her.” Lewy replies and Rosa begins humming tune as she colours in the barn.

“Won’t she have a weird sleeping pattern?”

“I don’t think you came here to talk about parenting skills.” Lewy mutters dryly, Marco looks away and the bruise on his face catches the light.

“That’s the second time I’ve been punched today.”

“I can’t really blame him.”

Marco doesn’t even ask how Lewy knows it was Mario.

“I know I did the wrong thing but punching wasn’t what I expected.”

“What did you expect a kiss and a welcome back?” Lewy snorts before looking serious and leans forward, “That kid had enough shit in Munich and then he comes back _for you_ and you’re not here.”

“I know.”

“You fucking knew?!” Lewy exclaims, looking at his friend with disbelief and anger.  Marco just sighs and stands up, fixing his jacket, he’s heard enough though it wasn’t as bad as he expected from Lewy.

“Oh no you’re staying here. I’m not having you go AWOL again.” Lewy says sternly standing u and fixing his own jacket, Marco flops back down; it’s probably for the better, he would have just gone and got drunk or maybe go to Kloppo’s. But Kloppo is pissed at him too; he made that clear when he put mayonnaise on Marco’s sandwich (Marco hates mayonnaise on his sandwich. Kloppo’s known him long enough to know that and not forget it). Lewy hesitated as he reached the door,

“He still loves you, you know that right?”

“Yep. He wouldn’t push me off the bridge.” Marco says and it needs a chuckle to follow it up but he can’t find it in him right now. Lewy looks at him with a mix of pity, anger and just pure disappointment before walking out the door. Marco sighs and throws his head back on the sofa, he should be the one finding Mario but he'd either just kiss the life out of the poor cherub or say untrue and hurtful words; Marco knows both are awful ideas with the current situation but it's all he can come up with. Neither of them are ready to talk about this. He hopes they will at some point soon. His heart wasn't built for this emotional rollercoaster.

 

 

 

It doesn’t take long to find Mario, Lewy just follows the sound of gunshots. The kid really needed to find a quieter way to release anger. He knew Mario would do that, do the only thing that gained him respect and friends in Munich; Shooting. Lewy knew exactly what happened in Munich but he didn’t dare say. He knew what it was like to not want to face what you did, to have regret haunt you. He didn’t want Mario to have to go through what Lewy did.

Mario knew Lewy was behind him as he shot for the 45th time , he’d been shooting the same cans over and over. It helped a bit but he just couldn’t find peace.

“For someone who only held a gun once you have a great shot.” Lewy comments, strolling up to Mario who just replaced his ammo quickly like it was an instinct.

“We both know that’s a lie.” Mario says coldly, firing at another can and another.

“I can see why he hid away.” Lewy looks at the ground; both of his friends are idiots that both did the wrong thing. Two wrongs don’t make a right. 

“He hid away?” Mario asks in a high pitched voice, Lewy glances at him; he’s shaking and his eyes are brimming with tears. Lewy immediately wraps his arms around Mario and hugs him tight. He knows it's what Mario needs. At first Mario is tense but after the initial shock is gone, he relaxes.

“You left him.” Lewy states, not in an accusing way but as a fact that needs to be said. They both need to wake up, Mario left but he’s back now and Marco shouldn’t be so bitter; Lewy thinks he forgets sometimes that Mario may not have the same hope and innocence as he did before but he  has a new different innocence and hope.

“You were thinking about leaving.” Mario mumbles as he pulls away and gives Lewy a look. Lewy flinches,

“They weren’t supposed to let you know.”

Mario regards Lewy for a moment, thinks about punching him but decides to shoot another can down. Why is everyone still treating him like a kid? Like it's still three years ago. It's not three years ago and he is not a kid anymore. Not after Munich.

“They only keep two promises in Munich.”

“Two? I thought it was only one.”

“If I told you the second one, somebody would die.”

Lewy nods, not sure what to take from that, Mario takes aim at the final can;

“How could you leave him, especially after I left him.”

“How could you? I wasn’t the one who loved him.”

“ I had a good reason.”

“What is good enough?”

“For me it was.”

“It’s always about you, isn’t it? You left, you fucked up in Munich , you came back,. That’s all I ever heard about for three years, you.” Lewy finishes looking Mario dead in the eye as if challenging him, he curls his hands into fists.

“Why did you want to leave? Oh wait, I know. Money. The game here wasn’t big enough, dangerous enough, not as expensive as Munich.”

“It was never about money.”

“It wasn’t about keeping Anna and Rosa safe was it?”

Lewy feels like he’s been punched in the gut. Mario knows how much he loves Anna and despite only being back for a day, it must be obvious that he loves Rosa. Mario is right to an extent; he’s right about the money. He wants money, who doesn’t, but he wants not for himself but for Rosa and Anna. He wants his child to have a good life and his wife to live comfortably. He wants to stop waking up in the middle of the night to see Anna slouched over the table, papers strewn across it.  He looks at Mario because that’s all he can do, he can’t speak because what can he say to do that. In truth there a million things he could say or do that would actually help the situation; instead he chooses one that doesn’t.

“What’s it like to be home?” Lewy looks up to make sure he’s listening, he is. “What’s it like to come back to where it all started? And especially after leaving and becoming a traitor.”

Lewy smiles, it’s not a sly or smug smile; it’s a smile that bears too many conflicting emotions. He can’t help it when he whispers,

“Because that’s what you are. A traitor.”

Mario sniffs and looks away, faking disinterest but Lewy can see his hand twitching like he needs something to hold on to. Something to keep him from sinking.

“So what if I am? I may be a traitor, a liar and fuck up but I’m your friend,  right?” Mario asks, he looks up with big brown eyes just like he did when they first met. But Lewy’s no fool, far from it in fact, and he sees right through it.

“I better that won them all over before you killed them. A sweet innocent scared boy acting like he was dragged into it.”

“I did what I had to.” Mario mutters, briskly before shooting the last can down and walking away.

Lewy expected this, he sighs. He remembers when Mario would give him straight answers, not these cryptic messages he’s getting right now. Lewy watches as the darkness engulfs Mario, he thinks about going after him because yes even after all this Mario is still his friend. He still cares, he still cares as much but he shows it less because Mario could easily handle it all, right? Or could he? Just because he doesn’t rely on Lewy like he used to does not mean he doesn’t need him now. Lewy bites his lip, glances at the cans before running after Mario.

 

 

 

“You were right.” Marco mutters as he slides through the backdoor of Kloppo’s. Anna kicked him out after he told her what had happened but in a fond way and she gave him some cake.

“I told you and I had photographic evidence.” Kloppo replies, shaking his head. Marco never believes him. “You should listen to me more often, dear Marco.”

“Yeah but… I didn’t think he would cave in to that shit. I thought when he got shot he got scared. Scared enough he would never want to be involved.” Marco doesn’t look Kloppo in the eye and he hasn’t since he came in. Kloppo puts the dish he was cleaning down. He frowns before picking it up again,

“Say it.”

“What?” Marco asks, scrunching his face up, Kloppo pulls his own at Marco’s expression,

“Say what you know. Say the truth about Mario.”

“Just so you can gloat.” Marco sneers and turns away.

“No. It’ll make you feel better if you say it.” Kloppo says softly, he’s known Marco long enough to know how his temper works. Marco’s body sags slightly and Kloppo sighs.

“Mario… Mario joined the Munich gang.”

“Why did he join, Marco?”

“We both know why. Now, stop.”

“Say the whole thing. Skipping bits you do not like will not help.”

Marco stays quiet and Kloppo rolls his eyes.

“Marco.”

There’s a beat.

“You know you can’t make me do stuff.”

“But I can sure try.”

“You sure can.” Marco mutters dryly standing up and walking over to the door. Kloppo doesn’t try and stop him leaving and sees no point in trying. Once Marco sets his mind to it, he’s doing it. From finding out about ‘the cute boy who stands at the bus stop’ to walking away.

“Why did you hide in the first place?”

“I didn’t want to face the truth. I didn’t want my little Cher-. _Mario_ to end up like me.”

Kloppo doesn’t say anything about the last bit because Marco never listens to what Kloppo says. He never listens when Kloppo says he’s proud.  That makes part of Kloppo feel heartbroken because he really is proud of Marco. Yes Marco may be in some shady stuff but he has a great shot, superb skills and he’s alive. He hasn’t lost who he is, he isn’t an emotionless killing machine or nervous wreck. He’s still Marco. And Kloppo can’t say how proud he is of Marco because he’d probably cry. They’ve had countless arguments over it, no one has ever won as such but when Marco leaves and slams the door then comes back later on asking for waffles. Marco knows Kloppo is proud of it, he just won’t believe what he’s saying is true.

“Then why are you running away  back to your hiding place?” Kloppo questions with raised eyebrows and his voice has a light tone.

Marco turns round and grins , always having an ace up his sleeve.

“Who said I was going back to my hiding place?”

And with that he slides out the door, leaving a laughing Kloppo behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of that very obvious twist.


	5. You're a canary, I'm a coal mine Cause sorrow is just all the rage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not writing. I have no excuse. But i do for spelling and grammar mistakes, my keyboard is piece of shit so sorry for them too.

Mario crawls home slowly, he puts his gun away so he doesn’t shoot random things on the way home and frighten the lives out of innocent people. But then a thought comes across his mind, is anyone innocent? He wasn’t before he got involved in any of this shit. Not at all, he had done bad things. Not as bad as some of the things he’s done in the past few years but back then they were bad. It wasn’t the thought of doing something bad,it was the consequences. Now it’s more, is there a reason for him to do it than are the consequences worth it? The police don’t care as long as they get their benefits. The only thing stopping him from becoming an actual criminal(in his own eyes, in most people he's a criminal three times over) is there is no reason to. It’s not like he’ll get brownie points or get the girl (or guy) or gain a higher place on the social ladder. And as he pulls the covers over his head, Mario realizes that these thoughts are dangerous and he should leave them well alone.

 

 

 

When he wakes up, he’s curled around something warm and he can hear its heartbeat. He snuggles closer to it. It’s nice; he hasn’t done this for a long time. He and Toni never used to cuddle; it was fuck or drunken making out. It still never beat slutty drunken making out in the streets. He wonders who this ball of warmth is and he doesn’t at the same time because he has a very clear idea who it is. And after last night he’s not ready to face the facts.  There’s only one person he gave a key to. Only one person it ever could be. His eyes flick open. Marco.

He looks like he’s about to drift off when Mario sighs and rests his head on his chest. Marco looks down at him fondly but says nothing. It’s probably better.  They both sit there for awhile. It’s like before. Before Mario left. Before he got with Toni. Before he came back and fucked things up by being a dick. It’s like when Marco used to run to the coffee shop before Mario’s lecture. When they used to cuddle on the couch watching Dortmund if Kevin couldn’t get tickets; usually they ended up on opposite ends of the couch, either because they didn’t have room to celebrate or Dortmund were pissing them off so much that they would get pissed at each other. They always ended up cuddling again when the 90 minutes was up. When Mario would jump on Marco’s back and they’d run around the apartment. When Mario stayed up and soothed Marco back to sleep after one of his nightmares. They used to be great. They were ‘as cute as two little pumpkins that had twisted their vines round each other’ as Mats once said. Neven questioned whether pumpkins even had vines and everyone else agreed that it was a creepy thing to say.

Marco sighs and nudges Mario off him before standing up. He smooths down his clothes before glancing at Mario. Mario wants to drag him back into bed and keep him there forever. Marco walks over to the door and opens it.

“I’ll see you round.” Marco says before rushing out the door. It sounds choked, as if he wanted to cry. Maybe he did. Mario does. Mario’s such an idiot and he can’t do anything about it. He wants to run out the door and hug Marco, kiss him, apologize, tell him how stupid his hair looks, cuddle with him, go to a match with him. He wants it all. He’d been blinded by his fury at Marco for disappearing him, by his fear of coming back and being accepted that he forgot why he came back; Marco. Everything he done was for Marco, even in Munich.

_The second promise Munich keeps is that they won’t kill one person you love as long as you do exactly what you’re told. They won’t harm them in anyway, as long as you work for them and work well._

Mario chose Marco. That wasn’t the whole reason he joined, he joined because of Toni and the fact that the university was just a dump, not worth him even going in the end. As soon as he was told about this promise, he knew what he would do. Marco saved his life and got shot for him, it was the least he could do. Offer his services, in exchange for a guarantee of Marco’s safety. He stands up and shoves on some old clothes from before he left that still fit. He’s going to fix this but he isn’t sure how so he’s going to find Marcel and Lewy.

 

As he walks out, he notices a note of the couch. It’s small and folded. He unfolds and curls one fist at the words.

 

‘You broke your promise.’

At first, Mario has no idea what promise, then he remembers. That time Marco came round drunk:

_You gotta promise me something, right?” Marco begins, Mario nods._

_“You will never ever ever go off track. Never get sidetracked from your goal, no matter what. Because you don’t know where you’ll end up, there’s off chance it’ll pay off but even if it does you’ll be missing something. And it’ll leave an empty feeling that won’t go away.”_

Mario lets one tear roll down his face before wiping it away and marching out the door.

 

 

 

 

Marco stumbles in to Kloppo’s, a mess. He stumbles through the back so he doesn’t distress the customers. Teddy is in the back when he comes through. Teddy takes one look at Marco before swapping with Kloppo. Kloppo comes hurrying to the back and engulfs Marco in a hug.

“I don’t know what to do.” Marco murmurs, burying his face in Kloppo’s shoulder, tears brimming his eyes. He doesn’t know what Mario wants after his reaction last night, he’s so confused; he just wants Mario and some sleep. He hasn’t slept properly since Mario left really. Not as soundly as he used to.

“What do you want to do?” Kloppo asks, letting go and sitting down on a box. He rests his chin on his hand and looks up at Marco.

“I want to hug him, breathe in his smell, kiss him, go to a match with him, snuggle, yell at him, tell him how much of an idiot he is, buy him coffee, run my fingers through his hair… and like… fuck.. him.” Marco finishes blushing bright red, Kloppo laughs.

“Sex is healthy.” Kloppo says and laughs at Marco’s bright red shocked face. “But if you want to do that stuff then why don’t you?”

“Because I don’t know if he still wants to.” Marco replies lamely.

“The boy looked like someone had died when he came in. I doubt he just stopped loving you over a tiny spat.”

“I went round his apartment.”

“And?”

“We kinda snuggled I guess.”

“Marcel was so right about you two being cute.”

“Not helping.” Marco growls at Kloppo’s bright smile. He pulls a face and looks at Kloppo.

“So you’re saying do what I want?”

“Ehh there is nothing stopping you from doing all that stuff so why not?”

Marco considered this for a minute before walking out the door

 

 

 

Marco walked straight out Kloppo’s then he stopped. He couldn’t just walk up to Mario and do all those things, things were different, and they had changed. He couldn’t…. Marco breathed in and out, now was not the time to panic. Everything would be fine. It would work itself out. Just breathe.

 

Mario barges into Lewy’s house and smiles. He can hear Lewy babbling away to Rosa and Rosa babbling back. It’s cute. Mario bites his lip and considers going in. He doesn’t want to interrupt a little scene like that. Although he’s been away, it’s very obvious that Lewy doesn’t spend as much time as he could with her and he takes every moment he can get.

“Come in, Uncle Mario.” Rosa shouts from the front room and he can hear Lewy saying what when he stands up and opens the door to see Mario standing awkward as the first time they met.

“Anna our child is a genius!” Lewy shouts up the stairs.

“She gets it from me.” Anna yells back and Lewy scoffs. Mario runs into the front room because as soon as the scoffing starts, shit goes down.

“Hey.” Mario mutters and waves as he sits down next to Rosa. Rosa looks up at him expectantly,

“Where’s Uncle Marco?” She asks. Mario looks away nervously, wow even a baby mentioning Marco makes him nervous. Since when did Marco make him nervous? Oh yeah, since forever. Mario sighs and leans back.

“He’s with Kloppo.”

“But he should be with you.”

Mario raises an eyebrow and Rosa looks at him with a look similar to Lewy’s Look. Rosa is definitely Lewy’s child.

“You’re both so stupid.” She mumbles and giggles, picking up a little figure and walking it up to the fruit stand.

“I have my reasons.” Mario says defensively like he’s talking with Lewy. It feels like he is. Rosa is just as witty despite her age.

“To be stupid?” Lewy enquires as he walks back in and raises an eyebrow. “My baby just owned your ass.” Lewy grins and kisses Rosa’s temple, she frowns and continues her little game with her figures.

“Sooo, what’s going on?” Lewy questions, rolling his head back, Mario shuffles awkwardly.

“I want to fix the Marco situation.” Mario mumbles, fiddling with his jacket. Lewy raises an eyebrow,

“And you want my help?”

“Yes.”

“He still wants all that stuff you used to have. You know all the cutesy coupley shit that you did. He still wants it.”

“How do you know?” Mario can feel his voice crack slightly and he’s shaking. It’s just he cares so much. Too much maybe but that’s beside the point. He cares.

“If he didn’t, he wouldn’t come over after your little spat and have that stupid look in his eyes.”

“Stupid look?”

“Regret.”

“Oh.”

Mario bites his lip and stands up, he nods at Lewy. He knows Lewy understands. He walks out the front room to the door and grabs the handle. He’s going to fix it. He’s going to make things right. They’re gonna talk it through like adults. Then fuck or cuddle or do whatever they want because Mario will be too happy to care. The one thing that mattered, the probably only constant thing in his life, his motivation for doing terrible things. The reason he left, the reason he woke up on those cold Munich mornings, the light of his life, his sunshine will be back in his life. There will finally be a reason for everything he’s done. An explanation. A meaning. All in one person. Mario grips the handle tightly. He can do this. He’s done harder things than this but none have ever mattered as much as this. He needs this, like he needed reassuring every night in Munich that he’d get used to it. He turns the handle and pulls the door back. He goes to take a step forward but something. Someone is blocking his way. He just wants to be happy with Marco; can’t this stupid person let him have that?

And it’s Marco who is standing in his way. Mario’s mouth forms into a little ‘o’. Marco looks like he’s tired (Mario wonders what he’s tired of, bumping into Mario? Well he should be used to it by now. Maybe he hasn’t been sleeping well, why? Is it Mario’s fault? Maybe it’s the jobs. Maybe he should stop.)  And about to face palm then their eyes lock. Never has either of them felt such sadness wash over them as they realize all the shit they’ve caused each other.

“Hey.” Marco murmurs. He looks almost cool and calm but the way his eyes dart round and his feet shuffle slightly, Mario knows  Marco's just as nervous as he is.

“Hi.” Mario says back, he doesn't try and hide his nervousness although he tried not to let his voice crack or bite his lip. But he does bite his lip ever so gently afterwards; it's a bad habit. Marco's eyes dart down to Mario's lip and Mario thinks he's going to kiss him for a moment before Marco looks away at the sky. Mario feels his heart drop ever so slightly.

He swears Marco can hear his heart beating. It’s about to jump out of his chest. Especially when Marco takes a step closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.


	6. Let them say we're crazy, What do they know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally make up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for any spelling and grammar errors. I did this instead of sleeping. Forget all you know about Munich because this chapter explains it all and more. Title is from '  
> 'Nothing 's gonna stop us now,' by Starship. Also this chapter is past tense because I'm a bloody idiot. All chapters from now on will be in present. I refuse to edit this one because it took me hours to write in past tense so imagine how long it would take to change it to

Marco could hear everyone in the room mentally shouting 'KISS HIM'. All he had to do was press his lips against Mario's just like old times. Why couldn't he? Why couldn't he take that one desperately needed step? It was right there, all he had to do was…

Marco looked away and cursed at himself. He was coward, even after 3 years. He could never help Mario in the right ways; when he should have hit him back when they first met to show him who was the boss, instead he smirked and told him his name. When he should have prepared them both for Mario's departure, he just let them carry on as normal. In the end, Marco is selfish. Even Mario can't stop that.  
"My biggest mistake was letting you go." He whispered, Lewy pushed the door closed behind them, as a result Mario moved closer.  
"Then why did you?" Mario replied, looking up at Mario with big eyes that were desperate for answers. Marco bit his lip and looked away. Those eyes. Oh how they haunted him still. Marco couldn't answer. How could he when he didn't know. Why did he let him go? Was it that deep rooted fear of being left behind. If he let Mario go by his own choice then maybe it wouldn't hurt. But in fact, it hurt more than anything. Even more than the bullets he had taken for his little cherub. More than the concerned looks that everyone gave me for months after. Marco sighed and stroked Mario's cheek. It was wet. 

Marco's eyes rose from the ground and looked at Mario's face. Tears slowly ran down his face and his eyes were big and begging Marco for some kind of answer. Some kind of relief. Marco wasn't sure how.  
"Will you stop crying if I kiss you?" Marco asked and Mario didn't even have time to nod before Marco's lips were on his. But only for a second before he pulled back. Mario looked up at him confused.  
"If I kiss you anymore, I don't know if I'll be able to stop." Marco said in reply to Mario's confused look.  
"I wouldn't mind."  
"Good."  
Marco kissed him like he had that night when Mario was drunk. Kissed him with 3 years of passion. Mario almost moaned as he was pushed against the door, god he had missed this. Even Toni couldn't kiss like this. Marco ran his tongue on Mario's bottoms lip and Mario eagerly let Marco's tongue in. Mario moaned as Marco's tongue did wonders in his mouth. He knew where this was going once they finished kissing. He hoped they never would stop but he wanted to get on to the real stuff.  
Marco could and would weep with joy if he hasn't been kissing Mario. God how good and familiar it felt to hold Mario in his arms and have his tongue in his mouth.

Reluctantly, Marco pulled away and smiled at Mario. Mario smiled back then said,  
"So my place or your place?"  
Marco burst into laughter and put his hand against Lewy's door. Mario pouted and folded his arms. He was an adult,he shouldn't even have had to ask. Marco wiped his eyes and let out one last wheezy laugh before standing up straight, a big grin on his face.  
"When did you become so easy?" Marco teased, slinging his arm round Mario.  
"Around the time you started hanging around bridges and being all deep." Mario shot back.  
Marco just smirked and pulled Mario closer, leaning down then whispered in his ear,  
"My place is closer."

 

Marco lay on the bed with a satisfied smirk on his face as Mario gasped beside him, sheets tangled in their legs.  
"So how was that for you?" Marco asked, panting slightly.  
"Jesus Christ, your tongue.' Mario murmured in reply, turning over and throwing an arm across Marco's chest.  
Marco ran his fingers through Mario's hair and smiled to himself; God,was he lucky to have this. Mario snuggled closer to Marco and memories of their last moments before the bus came flashed in his mind. A little spark of pain flickered I'm his chest but he pushed it away and lays his head on Marco.  
" Tell me about the alleged promise in Munich." Marco muttered and looked away but continued threading his fingers through Mario's hair.  
Mario froze, he wasn't sure why but it just made fear rise through his body. They wouldn't know if he told him right? And if they did, they promised not to hurt him. That was the rule. In exchange. Mario tried not to look panicked as Marco looked back down at him; it looked like it worked. Mario smiled nervously and took a deep breath,  
"Well…"

***  
Mario stumbled through the door and into Pep's office, the laughs and hoots of the guys in the next room cut off as the door was shut. Pep was sat on a sleek leather chair with a desk in front of him and in front of the desk, a tiny wooden chair for Mario. He wondered if everyone had to sit on this crappy chair. Despite the crappiness of the chair Mario sat on it. Pep smiled,  
"So I am sure you have heard from the other members about the 'promise'. Well I am sure you already have someone in mind but before you agree to the 'promise', I think you should know what we expect in return."  
Mario nodded stiffly. The chair was uncomfortable.  
"We expect your full dedication to the tasks we give you and the knowledge that when the time comes, you wouldn't hesitate to kill members of Die Schwarzgelben."  
Mario's blood froze. He couldn't mean….  
Marco?  
Mats?  
Neven?  
Marcel?  
Lewy?!  
He couldn't. How he could he? He had only left two days ago. He had half the mind to stand up and spit in this idiot's face then walk our. But he knew he would be dead and then Marco may as well be too.  
"And if I don't agree?"  
"Then we will not hesitate to kill the one who you would have put under out protection."  
Mario opened his mouth to protest but Pep held his hand up with a knowing smirk.  
"You haven't actually told me yet but nearly all of Germany knows and I have a pretty good guess."  
Mario held a neutral expression as he fought the urge to beat the crap out of this asshole. Then Pep stood up from his chair and walked over to the window,  
"He is fully capable of protecting himself. Why did you come here?"  
"I don't want to be a liability. I would never be able to be as strong as I want back there."  
Pep turned round and smiled,  
"What lovely thought. I like you."  
Pep then shook his hand and Mario took it as he was dismissed.  
Mario stopped as his hand touched the handle of the door,  
"It's more of threat than a promise, isn't it?"  
He could feel his voice shake, he mentally scolded himself.  
"You're a smart one aren't you?"  
Mario pushed the handle down and walked out.

Toni smiled as he plopped down next to him on the couches that were on the edge of the room. In the middle was a ping pong table, a snooker table and what looked like a card game table. Mario had an interest in none.  
"Marco, right?" Toni questioned, "You know the promise and all that."  
"Yeah. Who did you choose?"  
"Oh my girlfriend." Toni shrugged and looked at Thomas who was making his way over.  
"Hey newbie! Mario,right? I'm Thomas." Mario nodded and smiled; Thomas' face lit up.  
"So who did you choose for ,you know ,the promise?" Thomas inquired eagerly as he sat down next to Mario.  
"Jus some guy I used to know. He was kinda cute and liked my right hooks ."  
"You used to beat him? That's a lit-" Thomas shrugged with wide eyes.  
"No no, when we first met I hit him because I thought he was a dick." Mario paused and titled his head, "He still is but he used make me pancakes and buy me doughnuts so he isn't that bad."  
"You wanna know who I chose?" Thomas didn't give Mario time to answer before he started babbling. "I chose this guy,Mario, not you Mario another. He was so handsome and awesome, he used to be here and he was so badass and sexy. God I miss him sometimes. I kinda regret choosing him though because I'm sure he is fine like he was injured a while back fighting some Italian asshole but you know, he'll be fine. Like I wish he hadn't left but I gotta move on eventually. Right?" Thomas pulled a face and his gaze moved over to Manuel who was sitting round the cards table with Basti and Lahm then he shook his and turned back tomorrow.  
"I know who everyone else chose. I'm sure you're dying to know." Thomas smiled smugly as Mario nodded shyly and Toni let out a chuckle.  
"Basti, the guy sitting next to Manuel,chose some guy called Lukas. Apparently they're super close but Basti is still jealous sometimes because he has a lot of emotions and 'Lukas needs to understand I care about him'. Thomas puts on a stupid voice that Mario's guessing was supposed to be Basti. Toni shook his head and sniggered.  
" Lahm, the guy next to Basti he,'s really small so you might have to squint, he chose some girl. To be honest , Basti is the only interesting one. Come on let's go ask him about it. " Thomas stood up and pulled Mario with him who has decided to just go with what Thomas says but he turned back to Toni who nodded and gave him thumbs up.

"Hey guys." Thomas drawled as he attempted to look innocent as Mario stood beside him. The three men around the table rose one eyebrow before turning back to their game. "Basti. How is Lukas?" Thomas asked as he kneels down and lays his head on the table.  
"He is fine, Thomas. As he is evey time you ask." Basti replied, seemingly used to Thomas antics.  
"Which makes me thinks he' s not."  
Lahm and Manuel shook their heads and tried to hid their smirks.  
"If he wasn't ,you'd know because he'd be moping." Manuel smirked and looked at Thomas who was holding back a laugh. Manuel jerked his head to the left at Thomas. Thomas got up and moved over to Manuel.  
"You can just hide it all under that poker face can't you, so you're alright." Basti said in a sour tone , quietly. Thomas looked at Basti then at Manuel with a confused expression.  
"Hmm, I don't know what I have to hide." Manuel replied in neutral tone that have nothing away and neither did his face.  
"Tell him them. It's not hard and it's not like you can't see it. It's right there." Basti sighed and shook his head. He threw his cards on the table and walked out. Lahm shrugged, Manuel refused to meet Thomas' gaze and poor Thomas was begging Manuel to know what Basti was on about. Mario subtly made his way to the door that Basti had sent through and snuck out.

"Yeah, yeah I am eating fine. No I am not eating too much sausage. Jesus Lukas." Basti chuckled and paused, Mario gently closed the door and stood there silently. "Yes yes I will. I love you. Bye Sweetheart." Basti slides his phone back his pocket and pulled out a knife.  
" I know you're there. Although, it was pretty impressive, I only noticed you after a minute."  
Basti was leading on the rail of the stairs and Mario joined him.  
"You're quite aren't you?" Basti muttered , playing with his knife like a toy.  
"I don't quite know what to make of it all yet. Its new. A different kind of chaos I am used to." Mario looked over at the night sky, what a pretty sight.  
"I' m sure you will soon. I hear you're adaptable."  
"I do what's needed of me."  
Basti smirked and walked back into the bar basement; leaving Mario alone staring at the night sky and wishing he was anywhere else.  
***  
"The Schweinstiger?!" Marco exclaimed, eyes wide. Mario just nodded and turned away.  
"He's a fucking beast. I'm surprise you didn't shit yourself. I'd be a little nervous."  
Mario sighed and pushed Marco's arms that were clutching loosely to his waist.  
"Mario," Marco whispered and moved after Mario. "You didn't have to talk about it if you didn't want to."  
Mario shuffled further away. It just hurt to recall even the good parts. They weren't half as good as the good times in Dortmund. Hell, even the bad times in Dortmund were better than the Munich good times.  
Suddenly Mario shuffled too far and rolled off the bed in the most ridiculous manner. Marco army crawled over to the side of the bed and smiled down at Mario, his hair flopping over his eyes. And Mario had never been so in love. He leaned up and pressed his lips to Marco's. Marco pulled back after a few seconds then pulled Mario back on the bed, grinning all the time.  
"You okay?" Marco asked as he re-wrapped him and Mario in the sheets. Mario nodded and snuggled into Marco.  
"I'll get Marcel to bring us some pudding pretzels round. I'm sure he won't mind. He adores you." Marco declared as he tapped a text to Marcel.  
"Someone sounds jealous." Mario taunted and Marco snorted.  
"Marcel is straighter than a pole."  
They both laughed and closed their eyes. Soon, Marco was snoring lightly and Mario was barely keeping his eyes open. He wanted some pudding pretzel.  
"Coming in!" Marcel yelled and stomped in with a bag of pudding pretzels.  
"Jesus Christ! Be quiet! He's sleeping!" Mario hissed as Marcel looked at Marco, who was dead to the world on the pillow.  
"So you two made up then?" Marcel passes the bag to Mario.  
"You could say that." Mario opened the bag and smiled with glee as he bit in the pretzel. Marcel smiled to himself. Mario gave him a muffled thank you before he lay down next to Marco. 

Marcel strolled out of Marco's flat then his phone rang.  
"Yes Mats?" Marcel answered in exasperated tone.  
"Marcel I have decided tomorrow is my stag do. Arrange it with Neven for me."  
"You've been at the red wine again, haven't you?"  
"I have to wear a dress on MY Wedding day. My wedding. My grandest day."  
Marvel grunted in response.  
"I mean Neven suggested he wear a dress but if I'm gonna wear a dress I wanna be the only one wearing a big white flowing gown. Maybe it won't be too bad."  
Marcel face palmed, why did he always get stuck on weird friend duty?  
"Where is Neven?" Marcel sighed. His life was full of bullshit.  
"Umm with Kevin or Lewy or someone. I don't really know." Marcel sighed once again.  
"But I do know inviting Benni to my wedding!"  
"Mats you and i-" Marcel was cut off as Mats hung up. Marcel dialled Neven's number.  
"Hey, Mats wants his stag do tomorrow."  
Marcel looked away as he listened to the plan. Maybe Mats wasn't serious about inviting Benni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy? Leave a comment or drop by my tumblr cowsgomou.tumblr.com


	7. Only Love Can Hurt Like This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mats and Neven are perfect for each other.Right?  
> Mario and Marco don't need words, they get each other. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for spelling and grammar errors. And for my writing being cliche as hell. But I not apologising for Marcel being mother hen.

Mats hums to himself as he sips his wine and sends a text to Benni, telling him to come to his wedding in two days. God were his ideas were great or what? How did he not think of this earlier? Mats places the wine glass down and his eyes slip shut. Red wine always makes him sleepy after awhile. And just as he is on the brink of sleep, his phone buzzes. Benni had replied: 'Of course. Anything for you ;)'. Mats nods and curls up as he drifts off.

Neven stumbles in and a smile appears on his face as soon as he peers into the room. Mats is snuggled in a mess of sheets, its fucking adorable. Neven is so lucky to have this. He walks quietly over to Mats and pushes his hair out of his face before climbing onto the bed, lying next Mats. He throws a protective arm round him and shuts his eyes. Sleep comes easy for a change.

Mats' eyes flicker open and he is greeted by a face full of Neven's hair. It tickles his face so he tries unsuccessfully to get off the bed without waking Neven.  
"Good morning Mats." Neven grumbles, running his hand through his hair.  
"What's for breakfast?" Neven mumbles while Mats rose out of bed and ambles towards the kitchen. Mats shakes his head,  
"Why do I have to?"  
"Because you're closer and its your punishment for drinking my expensive wine."  
Mats tenses up but then relaxes when he realises Neven has nothing to say. They both know about his problem with alcohol. Its not really bad, Mats just sometimes doesn't know when to stop with the drinks and sometimes he does but chooses to carry on drinking. Neven can't be around all the time to stop it. They also both know Mats drinks when he is nervous or feels shit. Its a problem but they deal with it. In their own way.  
" Save the drinking for the wedding night." Neven shuffles in the bed to make himself more comfortable. Mats gets a frying pan out and pours some oil in it then he searches for some eggs in the fridge.  
"How am I gonna fuck you senseless if I'm drunk?" Mats snorts, as he cracks the eggs against the counter and pours it in to the pan then does the same with another egg.  
"You fuck me?" Neven laughs, "That'd interesting."  
"Aren't I always?" Mats turns around and flashes Neven a dashing smile. It makes Neven's chest go tight just like the first time Mats did that; although he will never admit it.  
"Can't deny that." Neven mutters dryly. He slowly crawls put of bed then saunters over to Mats and wraps his arm s round him. Neven starts pressing kisses on the side of Mats' neck.  
"Neven, the eggs are gonna burn."  
"Let them."  
"If I let them burn then the smoke alarm will go off in the middle of what ever you have in mind."  
"I think you know what I have in mind." Neven gently bites Mats' neck.  
"Neven."  
Neven pulls away and pouts.  
"Since when did you become the voice of reason?"  
Mats chuckles and gets a plate out, sliding the eggs on to the plate and grabs a knife and fork. They both go back to the bed and Mats sprawls across it while Neven sits on the edge with his eggs on his lap.  
"I don't which is better, these eggs or morning sex with you." Neven says while munching on his first egg.  
"You could only have one forever which would you pick." Mats asks lazily.  
" Well in two days I will be having sex with you forever."  
"Hey expect a few romantic dinners, long walks on the beach and puppies in between."  
A feeling of dread rises through Neven as he swallows his egg. Mats face lights up and Neven doesn't have to turn round to know.  
" We should get a fucking puppy."  
"No."  
"Why not?" Mats whines and throws a pillow at Neven.  
" Because…"  
"Because…?"  
"We'd have to potty train it and shit."  
"Its easy. You just gotta be kind but firm with the puppy. And it'd be so cute and we could take it for walks."  
"Dogs die, Mats." Neven snaps and shoves more egg in his mouth to stop him saying anything else. He can imagine the pissed off expression on Mats face but he knows he's not really pissed.  
"So do we eventually." Mats mutters darkly under his breath. He knows why Neven doesn't want a puppy but still puppies are adorable, Mats doesn't get why Neven can't look past all the 'they will die soon' bullshit and see that.  
"I'd rather have a baby anyway." Neven says awkwardly, putting his knife and fork down on his plate.  
"What?"  
"I mean if something is gonna shit in my house it may as well look cute while doing it."  
There is a pause. Then Mats lets out a laugh,  
"That's the worse excuse for wanting a baby ever."  
"Shut up."  
Mats crawls up the bed and slings his legs of the edge of the bed. He looks at Neven who is blushing, a faint pink dusts his cheeks. Mats can't help but smile and kiss Neven's cheek.  
"You are adorable." Mats whispers and Neven blushes darker. Neven stands up and rushes to the bathroom. Mats cackles as he reaches over to grab his phone and text Marco about his achievement.

 

"Mario, Mario. My phone is noisy. Stop it. Please." Marco groans and turns away from his phone. Mario sighs and picks up Marco's phone.  
"Mats made Neven blush. And Neven wants a baby." Mario declares and Marco frowns.  
"But Neven is a boy's name. Boys can't have babies." Marco murmurs into the pillow, still half asleep. Mario pats his head,  
"You may as well go back to sleep. We don't have to leave until around 7. We're going with Mats and few others okay?" Mario says and looks down at Marco who is already asleep. Mario smiles and pulls out his phone. He should have loads of energy on his Kim Kardashian game.

Benedikt whistles as the train pulls up in Dortmund. He knew Mats' wedding was still two days away but he was sure Mats wouldn't mind if he came early. It had been awhile since they had seen each other. Benedikt is looking forward to it.

 

At 7:05pm Marco was sprinting down the street, to meet Marcel, Mats, Sven, Jakub and Nuri, with Mario on his back. He speeds round the corner and comes to a halt before collapsing in front of the group.  
"Sorry… we're….. Late…" Marco pants and put his hand against the wall. Marcel smirks as does everyone but Mario, who is looking at Marco with concern.  
"I'm not that heavy." He mutters and Marco musters the strength to glare at him. He shakes his head and turns to Mats.  
"Where to first?"  
Mats smirks,  
"Follow me, gentleman."

 

The first place they go is some new bar that's pretty cool and go on to places similar until, Nuri suggests some new nightclub he heard of and Mats can't resist. By this point: Marco, Mats and Nuri are quite drunk, Sven and Jakub are a little tipsy, Mario is between tipsy and quite drunk, poor Marcel is barely even tipsy. Curse his high tolerance to alcohol and the fact he has to look after these losers. The moment it started to go downhill is when they get in the nightclub. Mats is begging the bartender for more drinks, Kuba and Sven have gone AWOL and Mario and Marco are making out in the corner. Marcel gives in and does shots with Nuri.

Mats is now more than quite drunk and he knows it; but he can still form sentences so its not too bad. He sees Marcel and Nuri doing shots and staggers over to join them. He nods at Marcel' s shot and Marcel nods a little reluctantly.  
"I bet I can beat you in a drinking contest." Nuri challenges as Mats does another shot. Marcel's eyes widen and he opens his mouth to protest. He's all for fun and games but the kid will have liver failure if he goes up against Mats in a drinking contest.  
"You're on!" Mats declares, grinning like a mad man. Marcel throws his hands in the air dramatically. You know what, the kid can drink himself to death. Actually the whole lot of them can, Marcel gives up on trying to make sure these losers make it home in one piece. He orders some fancy sounding drink that better get him pissed.

Mario sighs happily as Marco walks away with the promise he'll bring drinks. He's dragged out of his daze by his phone buzzing on his thigh. He whips it out and sees that Toni, of all people, is calling him. He answers.  
"Hello?"  
"Hey.. So I'm in Dortmund."  
Mario feels his chest do weird things as he processes those words. Why did his chest do that? He has Marco and Toni has nothing on him. So he doesn't understand why he's asking where is and telling him he'll come meet him. Maybe it's the alcohol.  
"Um I don't really know. There's a pub to my left and a nightclub with neon blue lights."  
"Wait there."  
Mario pushes and shoves, slips and slides between the crowd, he passes the bar on his way and tells Marcel to tell Marco he as gone for some air.  
And there standing under a streetlight, with a red hoodie and a backpack on is Toni Kroos. Mario feels himself gasp and Toni turns to face him and smiles. Its kind of cute. Mario fucking mentally kicks himself. This is Toni, not Marco. Mario finds himself walking over to Toni.  
"Hey." He greets as he eyes up Toni's backpack. It looks soft to touch.  
"I'm moving to Madrid." Toni says, re-adjusting his backpack.  
"How does it all fit in there?" Mario asks, feeling more drunk now. He must have slurred a little because Toni is smirking with a raised eyebrow.  
"You drunk?"  
Mario nods and smiles dazedly. Toni looks almost beautiful under the streetlight. And Mario can't help but wonder why he left this behind. Oh yeah,Marco. But what if Marco leaves again? It's not gonna rainbows and butterflies forever. The can't stay as they are but they seem to be unable to move forward. Mario is scared if they move too fast it would all fall apart. What if he fucks up? What if Marco fucks up? They are far too in love with each other and in any other life, it would be suffocating.  
"Hey if you're not busy, we could go to a bar or something. Catch up. Fill me in on all the gossip." Toni winks and holds his arm out to Mario.  
Mario bites his lip. This is the last time he'll see Toni forever probably. So make the best out of it. But Marco is waiting with a drink. And a pair of very kissable lips and lovely hips to grind on. He glances at Toni who is admiring the sky. He could settle for second best, just this once. He took Toni's arm .

 

"Marcel, Marcel we should go to the old bar." Mats whines, Kuba and Sven are pouting and nodding behind him. Marcel shrugs. Mats take that as a yes and turns around then gives Kuba and Sven a thumbs up.  
"Has anyone seen Mario?" Marco questions as they stumble out the nightclub.  
"He's not out here?" Marcel frowns and Marco shakes his head.  
"He's probably puking somewhere or in the toilet. Just text him the name of the bar and he can meet us there." Nuri mutters,clinging to Marcel to stay upright. Marco nods and sends a text. They make their way to the old bar.

Mats lingers at the back of the group as they near the pub.  
Mats sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He's a little sleepy. He reaches into his pocket and yanks out his phone that has been vibrating all night.  
10 missed calls from Benni. Mats' eyebrows rise and he stops just in front of the pub. Marcel turns around and frowns at him but Mats gestures for him to go ahead. Then he remembers. Shit. He invited Benni to his wedding. Only people who want to hook up with their ex one last time, invite them to their wedding. Fuck. Right all he has to do is tell Neven or ask Benni to leave. Well its obvious which one he's going for. Neven would be alright with it. I mean aside from the whole 'he is kind of a dickhead,Mats '  
shit, Mats is sure Neven will be fine with it. So Mats dials Neven's number and waits. He's surprised how quick he picks up, usually Neven takes a while because his phone is stuff in deepest pocket of his pants.  
"Mats you finally picked up!" Benni exclaims, Mats blood runs cold. He pulls the phone away from his ear and satires at his phone incredulously. Curse his drunken fumbling.  
Mats hums in reply before he says the stupidest thing he has ever said,  
"Yeah so where are you? I wanna see you."  
"You drunk?"  
"When am I not? You of all people know I love me some alcohol."  
Benni chuckles and Mats nods his pointlessly.  
"I am in that pub that we got kicked out of after we made out and them puked all over the chairs when you visited last." Mats mumbles as he pushes the door open and walks into the pub. Benni agrees to meet him there in 15 minutes. 15 minutes is long enough for Mats to get really pissed. Not that he isn't already but even more pissed. He smiles at Marcel who just pulls a face and slides him a drink that was for himself. The rest of group roar as they see Mats down the glass.

 

Mario and Toni end up sitting in a park with some chips and beer. Mario is happy. This is so fun, Toni's telling him about all the stuff he's missed.  
"So then, so then" Toni starts cracking up, "Alright so yeah then Lukas turns up and Basti just has no idea what to do. So he's just kind of standing there and Lukas is smiling like at idiot at him."  
Mario nods as he takes a swig of beer. Or its more like he drinks most of the can in one go but it feels like a swig by this point.  
"Then Manuel yells 'kiss him!' Then Basti turns round and yells back 'Take your own advice' and nods at Thomas. So then Manuel kisses Thomas like easily. Then when Basti turns round and stops gawking at them, Lukas has moved closer to him and kisses him! And I was just like when did this become a gay brothel!"  
Toni breaks down into laughter and Mario can't help but join him. They laugh for a while before Toni wipes the tears out of his eyes.  
"Oh I'm gonna miss it." Toni sighs and looks up at the night sky longingly.  
"What?"  
Toni ruffles his hair and smiles,  
"You little forgetful little drunk. I am going to Madrid."  
"That's the weirdest thing you have ever said to me."  
They sit in silence for a moment and Mario opens another can and downs most of it.  
"Are you trying to get as pissed as possible?" Toni says in a playful tone. Mario pulls an offended face,  
"I have problems."  
"Tell me."  
So Mario tells Toni all his troubles as best he can without slurring too much. He tells him how it scares him how much he loves Marco, how Marco could just leave, how his world is so fragile everything could fall apart by one tiny changing, how happy he is despite his fears, how he has know idea where to go in his life, how even though he can hold a gun easily it is still terrifying and how he hopes his mouth will get bigger so he can fit more food in. Toni pats him and puts an arm round him.  
"You should not be telling me this. He needs to hear it." Toni whispers wisely as he plays with Mario's hair? Mario can't help but relax.  
"But we have never actually talked about feelings. We always got each other. We didn't need words."  
"Well now you do. Just try. When you're laying on the couch with him or something. Not before or after sex though. I think it would be awkward." Toni chuckles then stands up, he pulls up Mario too.  
"Do you know where a bus stop is? I need to get out of here, I only came here for a couple hours."  
"Why?"  
"For you. Had to see you one last time."  
Mario nods, "There's one near my home. Then I can drop you off then I can drop off." Mario starts giggling at his own stupid joke. Toni rolls his eyes and asks for directions.

 

Mats is barely standing up, Sven babbling into his phone and Kuba is poking Sven and laughing. Mats jumps as he phone buzzes. Its a text from Benni, 'I'm outside :)'. Mats turns to Marcel who is looking a little dazed but not drunk.  
"Am going for air." Mats declares and staggers towards the door without waiting for a response.  
"Marco?" Mats yells and he heats Marcel laugh.  
"He left a while back gone to find Mario.  
Mats nods and continues staggering out the door.

" Mats!!" Benni squeals and throws himself at Mats. Mats only just catches him.  
"Thought I was drunk one."  
Benni laughs and stands up,  
"Nah I'm just happy to see you. Its been a while."  
Mats nods and somehow he ends up leaning on Benni for support. Benni's warm and soft. Just what Mats needs right now.  
"So you're getting married?" Benni inquires, he's leaning against the wall and Mats is now wrapped in his arms.  
"To Neven." Mats mutters and Benni's grip tightens on him. Its still nice. Benni starts whispering into Mats hair and Mats has no idea what he's saying. If he wasn't drunk he could probably guess what he was saying.  
"Hey Mats, can I kiss you?" Benni asks in a soft, hushed tone that makes Mats shiver.  
"But can I kiss you?" Mats pulls away from Benni and shakes his head. "I have Neven."  
"You're scared." Benni teases and starts circling Mats with as mischievous glint in his eye. Mats raises one eyebrow that still amazes Benni. How can he look so hot but be so drunk?  
"Now why would I be scared?" Mats counters with a smirk that makes Benni turn red. He's glad Mats is pissed as fuck right now.  
"If you're not scared of kissing me, then kiss me. Its simple Matsy boy."  
"I'll show you scared." Mats hisses as he lunges forward clumsily and smashes his lips against Benni's. It reminds Mats of the time before he came to Dortmund. When he and Benni would piss about and get drunk all time before falling into each other's arms. God, it was before he even thought about going to Munich. Back when it was him and Benni against the world. When Mats compares it to what he has now, it makes him want to be sick (or maybe that's the alcohol) he was such a reckless idiot back then. He lashed out at everyone and blamed everyone else for his problems. 

He remembers how he and Benni had met: Mats was trying to get into a bar that he was never gonna get into but Mats was persistent then Benni came took one look at Mats and charmed the bouncer to let them both in. Benni bought him a drink and wondered out loud why Mats had not tried to charm the bouncer. Mats sighed and told him already had and even gave him his best smile. Benni asked to see it and Mats smiled for him. Benni blushed and said(Mats remembers their first words to each other as clear as day),  
"I'm Benedikt, but my friends call me Benni. I'd like to buy you a drink and kiss you."  
Mats leaned on the bar, ran a hand through his hair and smiled genuinely.  
"I'm Mats and it will take more than one drink to woo me."  
And from then on, they were joined at the hip. They vandalised, drunk themselves half to death, snuck out, snuck in together. Benni was being a little adorable dork and kept trying to win him over but Mats was won over after Benni bought him a gun. Mats still had it, still killed people with it. It wasn't some cheap old gun either, it was a real nice, simple, expensive one. But Benni got it him so it was much more than a gun. After Mats had gotten over the fact he had a gun, they went round the back of some run down factory and shot cans off a wall. Then while Benni was getting ready to shoot, Mats kissed him. Benni ,who was the perfect shot, missed the can completely.  
Mats keeps kissing Benni, if you could call it that, and imagining he's not in Dortmund. He's imagining, he's back in some run down warehouse and its one of those desperate nights where all they have is each other. He kisses him like his life depends on it.  
Benni eventually pushes Mats away and Mats frowns but his frown soon disappears when he pukes all down the wall. Benni covers his mouth to hide his smirk.  
"I know I'm out of practice but I didn't think I was that bad." Benni jokes, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.  
"Idiot." Mats grumbles as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "It was the alcohol,not you".  
"You should probably get home or to someone responsible." Benni smiles and gestures towards the pub.  
"Or you could carry me home like you used to." Mats suggests ,one hand propped against the wall.  
"Princess style."  
"Princess style."  
Benni then scoops Mats up in his arms and saunters down the streets. Mats mumbles directions and rests his head on Benni's chest.

 

"So this is the last time I'll see you for a long long long time. Isn't it?" Mario questions as he and Toni sit in the bus stop where he and Marco once sat. It hurts a little and his face must show it because Toni turns to him,  
"You said goodbye to him here?"  
"Yeah it's weird to be sitting here three year later. And things are completely different."  
They sit in silence for a few minutes before Toni asks when the bus will arrive. He tells him it'll be ten minutes.  
"You should probably go back to your party. I'm sorry to have dragged you away." Toni says sheepishly. Mario stands up, nudging him and grinning.  
"Its fine."  
He means it. He may not love Toni but he still wants to be friends.  
"Would one last kiss be fine too?"  
Mario hesitates and glances at Toni's hopeful face before he leans down and touches Toni's lips with his for second. And then its gone. Toni smiles up at him. Mario may miss it. Toni opens his mouth to thank him but then a voice slurs behind Mario,  
"You fucking asshole."  
Mario spins round to see Marco standing there, looking sad and pissed off.  
"I've been wandering round looking for you and here you are with a little Munich Munchkin." Marco exclaims loudly with lots of hand gestures.  
"Actually I-" Toni starts nervously and Mario feels sorry for him. He almost pats him when he remembers the situation.  
"Shut the fuck up." Marco cuts him off and Mario feels anger rise in him a little.  
"Don't be so fucking rude."  
"Rude?!" Marco throws his head back and laughs harshly, it hurts Mario's chest. "I'm not the one cheating on my boyfriend!"  
"I'm not the murderer."  
"I'm not the traitor."  
"I'm not the thief."  
There is silence for a few minutes where Mario and Marco avoid each other's gaze while Toni twiddles his thumbs.  
"Murderer" Mario mutters childishly.  
"They won't forgive you for cheating on me. Not even Marcel."  
"I killed him for you. For you.." Marco adds after a beat.  
"I do loads of things for you but you never notice, just because you killed a man for me. That's just one thing,Marco, that was three years ago."  
"Maybe Toni did bigger grander gestures for me. Like come to Dortmund for me."  
"Oh you wanted me to waltz down to Munich and give you kiss on the cheek? I would have been shot!"  
"He is willing to take that risk for me but you weren't!"  
"I took someone's life so you could live! If it wasn't for me, you would be dead."  
"Well I wish you hadn't if I knew you were gonna be a whiny bitch who can't talk about his fucking feelings. I'd rather be dead than put up with you."  
Marco's eyes go wide and his mouth falls open. He curls his hands into fists. He looks at Mario who looks right back.  
"Okay then. Have fun with your Munich Munchkin." Marco says in a flat tone and walks away. He soon breaks into a run.

Mario doesn't even glance at Toni as he rushes into his old apartment. It's weird to be alone. All alone. Marco was right no one will forgive him. No one will. Mario sinks to the floor,his back against the front door, and hugs his knees. He won't cry. He can't. Because it feels like maybe Marco deserved that. In the morning he won't forget that thought or forgive himself for thinking it.

 

Marco grips the bridge railings tightly. The wind blows harshly in his face. Marco bites his lip. He isn't good enough, he never was and never will be. He's an idiot, how could he think things would just be like they used to? He curses under his breath and pulls his hands of the rail. They ache. He reaches for his phone in his jacket pocket and stares at it. He doesn't know what to do. He's not apologising. But he doesn't want Mario to be mad at him. What does he want? He wants a hug and more beer, Marco decides a few moments later. He could do with a cigarette right now. Marco takes a deep breath and slowly heads over to Kloppo's. It only seems natural. That's what Marco tells himself so he doesn't turn around and run back into Mario's arm, begging for forgiveness.

They stumble into Mat apartment , giggling. Benni recalled the time they pissed off some dickheads by stealing from a shop near them and how fast they had ran while being shot at.  
"Mind if I crash here?" Benni places Mats down on his bed,although its quite difficult due to the darkness,gently.  
"Of course you can Benni Boo."  
"So you gotta a coach or something I can borrow?"  
"You can sleep with me!" Mats replies cheerfully while grabbing Benni and pulling him onto the bed. Benni laughs before Mats yanks him closer,covering Benni's lips with his.


	8. Everything is going wrong but we're so happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has no idea where he is going. Or what he plans to do. He just knows he's okay and happy. Things will work themselves out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for spelling or grammar mistakes. I know the Dortmund and Munich Champions League final took place in 2012-13 season but the actual final match took place I'm 2013. So it ever to it as the 2013 final.

Mats wakes and his head is pounding. Its fucking awful, he can't think of anything else. It hurts to think. It hurts to open his eyes so he keeps them shut and throws a hand over his forehead.  
"You look like a right drama queen." A voice taunts too loud.  
"Shut the fuck you up, you noisy whore." Mats snaps and buries himself further into the covers.  
"You never were good with hangovers." Another taunt but its a tad quieter so Mats can deal with it.  
"You're not much better."  
"True." There's a pause and Mats smells something great. "Do you want bacon and coffee?"  
"That's a stupid question."  
There's a chuckle and footsteps then Mats opens his eyes, despite the pain. He meets the sight of a plate of bacon and a cup of coffee being held in front of his face by Benni. Benni?! Mats smiles and takes the plate and cup.  
While chewing on his bacon, everything from last night floods into Mats' head. Benni coming, getting even more pissed, doing a drinking contest with Nuri, kissing Benni, being carried by Benni,Marcel frowning, Kuba and Sven laughing at Kuba's pictures of Lukasz then him kissing Benni and pulling him down on the bed. That's the last thing he remembers. Shit. He couldn't have. He cheated on Neven. Sweet shit. His pants are on the floor. He cheated on Neven. Benni has no pants on. He cheated on Neven. Mats chews his bacon faster. He worked so hard for Neven to even acknowledge him with respect. And now, Mats has thrown it all away. 

Or has he? He doesn't have to tell Neven. What he doesn't know can't hurt him, right? Mats knows he is very wrong and admits that to himself a moment later. It would hurt Neven, Mats doesn't think he'll ever know how much it does because sometimes Neven's smothering him with affection the other times he barely gives him a passing glance. But judging by the looks and touches that Neven thinks that Mats doesn't notice, Neven wants to smother him with affection all the time but he is a little nervous about showing it.  
Mats clears his throat and Benni turns round from where he is frying some eggs,  
"What happened last night, Benni?" Mats is looking down at the bed and picking at loose threads.  
"Oh you don't remember? We had a great time." Benni smiles happily as he says it and Mats' chest tightens. He's hurting two people.  
"Don't worry so much. I know it was only for one night and I won't tell Neven." Benni moves over to Mats and ruffles his hair. Mats just nods and sips his coffee. His hangover is still there but he has bigger problems.

 

Marco sighs and scowls at Kloppo.  
"What was I suppose to do then, since you seem to have a lot to say about my choices and know exactly what I should have done."  
"Marco, I have a lot to say because I care for you and I am older so I know more than you." Marco pouts and Kloppo rolls his eyes. "You shouldn't have confronted him like that. There was no need to explode like that."  
"You're forgetting I was drunk."  
"Drunken words, sober thoughts."  
"Like I haven't heard that before." Marco snorts and plays with the straws on the counter. He really blames the alcohol. And Mario.  
"He said much worse things. And he cheated on me." Marco protests, slamming his hand on the counter as if it will get his point across more clearly.  
"Do you know the full details?" Kloppo frowns and shaking his head. "You don't do you? Because you rush into everything and don't think. I bet you didn't even give him a chance to explain!"  
"He doesn't deserve a chance to explain."  
"You don't deserve him."  
Marco laughs. "Like I haven't heard that before."  
"And he doesn't deserve you." Kloppo finishes and gives Marco a look. Marco just stares for a moment before turning away.  
"You need to talk to each other. Its not like before. You're no longer on the same wavelengths. Things are different."  
"I know."  
"Do it before Mats and Neven's wedding. Mats wants it perfect."

Benni leaves soon after saying he has business to sort out which makes Mats feel like a mobster's wife. He has a shower and gets dressed then texts Marcel to meet him at Kloppo's. He has no idea where Neven is and he had no intention of finding out because Mats doesn't know what to say or do. He feels dirty. 

On his way to Kloppo's, Mats feels sick as he thinks about his friends' reaction. What if they hate him? What if they push him away? Or tell Neven? Mats can't fucking stand the thought of any of those scenarios. He wants to scream, hit something, burn something because he's such an idiot. He had a good thing and he's thrown it away. Nothing he does will make the situation better. He hasn't changed, he's still a foolish reckless 16 year old who hates the world. His hands are shaking when he grabs the handle of the door to Kloppo's. He's not sure why.

Marcel is sat down with Marco and Kloppo on a table in the corner. Mats hasn't anticipated an audience. He could barely admit it to himself. Marcel notices him and waves him over. Every step feels heavier than the last. He finally reaches the table and sits down slowly. Marcel raises an eyebrow,  
"You okay? You hungover?"  
"I cheated on Neven." Mats blurts out quickly and looks at his friends for their reaction. Mats feels sick to his stomach. He's an idiot. He's an idiot. He's an idiot. And he can't help it, his stupidity grows with age. He keeps doing stupider things as he gets older: Messed about and caused trouble with Benni at 15, Fell for Benni at 16, left to join Munich at 18, Was sent to Dortmund as a spy and fell in love with Neven at 20, Joined Dortmund for real at 21, drunkenly kissed Neven at 22, got smacked with gun on the head and just missed a bullet(it grazed him or that's what he likes to say. According Neven, he was surprised the bullet didn't kill him. So it was probably much worse than Mats thought it was.) while to trying avenge his friend's girlfriend at 23, Slept with Neven and this time there were feelings involved at 25. Then Mats supposes, aside from his slight drinking problem, its been pretty quiet in his life. So he was due to fuck up eventually.  
"What the fuck?" Marco cries out. Kloppo and Marcel's eyebrows shoot up.  
"Language." Kloppo hits Marco with his cleaning rag.  
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" Marco mutters sarcastically in reply.  
"Why did you cheat on him" Marcel folds him arms and looks at him with disappointment. It makes Mats feel even worse.  
"And who with?" Kloppo adds. Mats wants to curl into a ball and die. Why did he think telling people was a good idea?  
"I was drunk." Mats starts nervously, he avoids everyone's gaze as they nod and make noises of understanding. "With Benni. I cheated on him with Benni."  
Mats doesn't have to look up from the table to see their shocked faces. He can hardly believe it himself. He goes to ask what should he do but Marco interrupts,  
"Well you're fucked." And then laughs. Mats frowns his friend doesn't usually speak so harshly. Mats sneaks a glance at Marco and he looks rough. His hair is a mess, its flopping several different directions and his eyes look a little red. Mats wants to give him a big hug,some hot chocolate and some Kinder chocolate. Mats knows he could use them.  
"What crawled up his ass?" Mats asks Kloppo, finally taking his eyes of the table and looking up. Kloppo just seems to look back indifferently.  
"He and Mario had a fight."  
"He kissed another a man!"  
"You jumped to conclusions!"  
"I don't have to put up with this. I'm going home!" Marco declares and stands up.  
"To Mario? To apologise like an adult?" Kloppo sits back and smiles up innocently. Marco scowls and storms out.  
"So your wedding is tomorrow, eh?" Kloppo turns and beams at him like nothing is wrong. When Mats has caused his own world to crumble in on him.  
"I cheated on him." Mats hisses and emphasises on the cheated part.  
"You're gonna tell him right?" Marcel frowns.  
"Its that or don't tell him at all."  
"Well if you tell him at least you were honest. Then its all on him but if you keep it a secret…." Marcel looks away and shrugs. He may seem like he isn't trying and nervous but Mats knows he's doing his best.  
"It won't change how we feel about you. We don't think any less of you." Kloppo reassures him and Mats feels a hell of a lot lighter. Like a big weight has been lifted off him and he can finally breathe easily. It must show because Marcel smiles at him,  
"There's that smile."  
Mats blushes. He didn't even know he was blushing. Or smiling. He ducks his head and scratches the back of his neck. Kloppo places a plate of chips between him and Marcel. Mats didn't even know he moved from the table. Its impressive but scary, he wonders how Marco dealt with that as a teenager. Mats steals a handful of chips and stuffs them in his mouth.  
"So help me out?"  
Marcel huffs and grins,  
"Anything for you,Mats."  
"Don't tell me you're gay for me Marcel. I already I have two men after."  
"Oh you saw right through me." Marcel throws his hand over his heart. "Yes Mats I have secretly been in love with you, since I met you."  
"Oh Marcel, it's my wedding tomorrow. I am afraid I cannot indulge you." Mats pouts.  
"Oh well. I think Kuba's been giving me looks recently."  
"I don't think you're his type. He's into awkward little Polish people who are overprotective as fuck."  
"I never have any luck with men." Marcel sighs dramatically and eats some chips. Then breaks down in hysterical laughter as does Mats. They stay like that for at least 5 minutes, curled up over the table laughing like loons. Laughter isn't even coming out of their mouths at one point. They regain their composure after a while but they still have big grins on their face despite, the slightly serious topic they're about to discuss.  
"You'll tell him and then go from there. And knowing Neven, he loves you far too much to stop just because of a small hiccup like this."  
"I wouldn't say small."  
"You two are debt collectors, drug dealers and hitmen rolled into one and it seems your biggest obstacle is that you cheated on him. I'd say you're doing pretty well for yourselves. You could have one of your druggies or a person you collected debt off coming after you hell bent on revenge."  
"But you know how hard I worked for Neven. How long it look for us to even be able to talk without me hitting on me him or him making sly comments."  
Marcel nods wistfully and Mats eats more chips, he obviously remembers them differently to how Mats does. Those long ago days were rough as fuck for many reasons. The gang was a mess of assholes, alcoholics,more assholes, kids and an old man who wanted a happy little group of debt collectors, drug dealers and hit men rolled into one. Mats thought life was a big joke as did Marco. Marcel was fed up. Neven thought everyone was a waste of space, especially Mats. Erik, Jonas and Mitch were nervous wrecks and refused to be separated. Lewy was killing people like it was going out of fashion. Kuba wouldn't let anyone within two feet near him except Lukasz and even then that was only occasionally back then. Sven and Ilkay thought of themselves as too cool to deal with that shit so they just lingered in the background at random moments. Roman, Kehli and Kevin were at their wits ends trying to keep the group together. And several other trivial problems that somehow over the years with new members such as Pierre, Henrikh and Matthias they became something Mats can only describe with one word: family.  
"You two were really a bunch of idiots back then."  
"I still am."  
"We all were and we all still are. But now we're older and we have emotions but just like back them we cannot express them fully. Its like living in a frustrating gay soap opera."  
"Marcel, you're straight."  
"Exactly, that's why it's frustrating.I'm like the only straight one. The rest of you are on the scale somewhere. Except maybe Kevin, Roman and Kehli."  
"So I tell him then what?"  
"Depends on his reaction, like I said I doubt he'll not marry you over it but that doesn't mean he won't be hurt."  
"Okay." Mats takes a deep breath. "Alright."  
"Okay." Mats repeats  
"Alright." Another deep breath.  
"Okay." Two deep breaths this time.  
"I can do it." Three deep breaths.  
"Then go do it instead of breathing loudly and repeating words!" Marcel says, smiling at his stupid friend who flushes and runs a hand through his perfect hair. Marcel is only a little jealous. Mats nods and slides off the chair. He heads for the door and Marcel can't help but wish him good luck with every part of his soul.  
"Thanks Marcel!" Mats shouts as he heads out the door. Marcel seriously can't stop smiling. They really are all idiots.

 

Marco fidgets. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he should Mario space.  
Maybe he should stop being a pussy and march right into Mario's apartment and tell him how he really feels. That sounds the best plan of action. So he grabs the handle, yanks it down and storms right in. To find Mario sitting there n his couch still in his clothes from last night, asleep. Marco is torn, Mario looks adorable but he also look like a mess. Which is his own fault for kissing a loser like Toni Kroos. But Marco can't leave him like this because he's a good boyfriend and they need to talk.  
Marco strips Mario down to his boxers which is possibly one of the hardest things he has ever had to do. He goes in search of a clean shirt which seems like finding a needle in a haystack in Mario's apartment. Finally, Marco finds one and overcomes the even more difficult task of putting a shirt on a sleeping Mario. He then digs out a blanket and throws it over Mario like they do in the movies. Satisfied with his work, Marco flicks the TV on and waits for Mario to wake up.

 

Mario wakes up an hour into an old Dortmund match, he looks at Marco with confusion.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"We need to talk." Marco keeps his eyes trained on the TV. Dortmund are celebrating their goal, its an equaliser. Mario nods.  
"I am sorry for what I said last night but they were true. And part me of thinks you deserved it."  
Marco tries not to flinch.  
"Its not like I don't want to tell you things. Its just I don't know what your reaction will be and it scares me." Marco says and he can't look Mario in the eye. He doesn't know if he'll cry or kiss him. And kissing him will not help either of them they need to get past the whole 'not on the same wavelength all the time'.  
"I didn't mean to leave you. Okay I did but I was scared."  
"That makes two of us." Marco interrupts ,Mario just scowls and pulls a disapproving face at the floor.  
"We moved very fast. I was unsure how to be with you." Mario takes a deep breath and Marco frowns. "Honestly, I was scared of you." Mario admits in a small voice but it fills the room.  
Everything stops for a moment. Especially Marco's heart. He finally takes his eyes off the TV and looks at Mario. He's staring at the floor and is huddle against the corner of the couch with blankets around him.  
"You were scared of me?" Marco whispers, he can hardly hear himself over all the thoughts running through his mind.  
"I didn't know if we were a couple or if I was something you were just that keeping around until you found something better."  
"But I invited you out with us, my family. Those people are one of the most important things in my life. I don't take just anyone to see them."  
"Ilkay did."  
Marco sighs. Ilkay had a new girl every week back then with his dashing looks and all. Girls fucking loved that shit for some reason. Marco didn't really see him as that attractive. He is and was more of a 'if I was super drunk and you were up for it'.  
"I'm not Ilkay."  
"How was I supposed to know that at the time?"  
"So you left because you didn't know where you stood with me?"  
"Yes."  
Marco moves from the edge of the the couch where he was perched and closer to Mario, he then pulls Mario and the blankets against his chest and wraps his arms around Mario. Mario shuffles for a moment and Marco is sure he is trying to move away until he final stops.  
"You comfy?" Marco asks, grinning a little. Mario nods and his hair tickles Marco's chin.  
"Right so you better listen to this because I'll only say it this once. Don't ever think that you were something I kept around until something better came along. You are the something better that came along. I would and will never hurt you intentionally or let anyone else hurt you. I am so sorry for letting you ever think these things. You have and always will be very important to me. You were from the moment you hit me. You are my Cherub. Never forget that. I'm far too into this train wreck we call a relationship to back out now." By the time Marco finishes there are tears in his eyes, Jesus. He has never poured his heart out like this. They both sit in silence for a few moments.  
"We don't have to do this a lot, do we?" Marco asks as he rests his chin on Mario's head.  
"No but not if it makes you cry."  
"I'm not crying because I had to take about my feelings."  
"Then why are you crying?"  
"Because…." Marco glances at the screen and winces. "Because its the 2013 final. Where we lost fucking Bayern Munich."  
"You were distraught after that match. I remember you moped for ages."  
"With reason."  
Mario snorts and turns round in his little cocoon to face Marco.  
"Listen about Toni," Mario pauses and presses his lips together. "It wasn't like I kissed him with every ounce in my body like I do with you. I just kissed him. I'll never see him again. It was more like a kiss I'd give my grandma., to be honest. But unlike a kiss with my grandma, it had no meaning. It was like kissing a milk bottle really." Mario smiles uneasily but Marco just nods and smiles a little.  
"Hey I'm glad you didn't sleep with him like Mats slept with this guy last night."  
"Whaaat?" Mario drawls and his eyes light up curiosity. He leans back slightly and looks eagerly at Marco.  
"Right so I don't know all the details but at some point last night, he met up with this guy who he had some kind of hooligan romance with when he was younger and slept with him!" Marco tells Mario like a gossiping old granny but he doesn't care as Mario gasps in the most cute fashion ever.  
"Hooligan romance?"  
"Yeah I mean I've heard loads of the years but basically Mats used to be this crazy reckless idiot who robbed shops and stole alcohol with this guy while making out and fucking in between."  
"So, less romantic than it sounded at first."  
Marco laughs and switches the channel.

 

Mats is lying on the roof, trying to calm his nerves, when he hears Neven haul himself up and off the ladder.  
"Its bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other before the wedding." Neven says from behind him, he takes a few steps forward and Mats just can't take it.  
"I slept with Benni last night." He says in a flat tone. He feels sick.  
"Maybe it really is." Neven says and Mats hears the sound of retreating footsteps then the sounds of feet descending down a ladder.  
Mats turns round and sees a can of his favourite drink. He wants to cry. He scoots over to it and opens it. He takes a sip. It's bitter. He stands up with the can in his hand and hurls it as far as he can. He sits back down and watches the sun set.

 

"And you just let him go?!" Marcel inquiries loudly and angrily, he even slams his strawberry milkshake down on the table. They're sitting in Kloppo's again, the same space as this morning. Its likely that Marcel has spent all day here. Mats just states blankly at the blobs of strawberry milkshake that are scattered on the table. He feels numb and stupid.  
"What else could I do?" He says quietly, his tone is still flat like it was earlier. Marcel scowls and sips his milkshake with the same expression. Mats would usually laugh but he really can't find the energy to.  
"I'm thinking of opening a boutique. I don't really like the restaurant business." Kloppo declares as he walks past them and serves the table behind them.  
"Not now, old man." Marcel waves him off with a disgruntled look.  
"Just trying to lighten the mood." Kloppo mutters giving Marcel a look.  
"You could light me a cigarette." Mats jokes blandly , both Kloppo and Marcel look at each other and then at Mats with concern.  
"Since when do you smoke?" Kloppo asks, frowning and places his hands on his hips.  
"Since my life is made up of shitty mistakes I keep making, I may as well just keep it up." Mats murmurs and he can feel it coming. Marcel even shuffles closer to the window.  
"Listen here!" Kloppo starts loudly and a few people turn round to gape at him. "You messed up once. People mess up a million times in their lives and get back up and get on without. Then, there's you. Sitting here moping because you messed up once! Once! You have to get back up! People are counting on you. I am counting on you. Marcel is. Marco is. Kuba is. Lewy is. Neven is." Kloppo takes a deep breaths and continues in a softer tone and crouches down to Mats' level. "It breaks my heart to see you like this. And I'm not the one marrying you. Imagine if you're like this tomorrow. At your wedding. Imagine how Neven will feel. Get back up, of no for yourself then for Neven."  
Marcel let's out a sigh of relief. Usually Kloppo's rants are louder and angrier. Mats can feel his chest tighten, it hurt but its true. He has messed up plenty of times so why should this one time he not get back up.  
"Okay." Mats stands up and he almost smiles as Kloppo's face lights up like a Christmas tree. Marcel's lips twitch, Mats knows he's trying not to smile.  
"So you all sorted then? Your dress and everything?" Marcel questions as Kloppo claps Mats on the shoulder.  
His dress.  
Fuck.  
Shit.  
Mats' face falls and he turns to Marcel,  
"My. Dress." Mats chokes out and Marcel bites his lip.  
"You laugh. I fucking dare you." Mats challenges as he scowls at Marcel. Its not like he forgot about his dress, it just slipped his mind. He was sure Neven was suppose to take care of it but Mats really doubts Neven has sorted it out.  
"So your dress is..?" Kloppo looks at the two men,confused.  
"Its in the shop. Neven was suppose to pick it up but I doubt he has." Mats replies and sighs. He didn't mind wearing the dress, Mats is open to a lot of things such as wearing dresses and threesomes.  
"You want a dress? Then let's go get your dress." Kloppo says simply and takes off his chef hat to reveal a gun on top of his head. Mats gapes and Kloppo winks. Kloppo takes the gun and slides it in his pocket. Mats grins, he's heard the old man is a fucking awesome shot.  
"Can't we doing things peacefully for a change?" Marcel sighs dramatically and looks up at the pair of grinning men.  
"The shop's probably closed by now."  
Marcel yanks his gun out of his jacket pocket.  
"Let's go."  
Mats fist pumps and turns to Kloppo,  
"Come on, I want my dress."  
Kloppo chuckles,  
"You go wait outside. I'll just be a minute." Mats catches him glancing at Lukasz and Kuba who have just walked in.  
Mats nods and heads out with Marcel in tow.  
"Lukasz! Kuba!" Kloppo saunters over to them and greets them. "You two are in charge of my lovely establishment." Kloppo announces as he thrusts his chef's hat onto Lukasz's head. Kloppo smiles and runs out before they can even respond.  
"You look good in chef's hat." Kuba mutters and Lukasz rolls his eyes but smiles.

 

Mats, Marcel and Kloppo stand in front on the posh bridal boutique.  
"You sure chose a fancy place to get a dress." Marcel comments and Kloppo nods. Mats blushes,  
"I was going all out for this shit."  
"And you still are." Kloppo walks over to the window and peers inside. "Its quite dark but I can make out the alarm sensors. Pretty nifty ones."  
"How do we get in?" Marcel throws his gun in the air and claps twice.  
"Well we could either get on the roof and descend down the vents, take out the cameras and sensors then get the dress and climb back up the vents. Or we could go round the back, take out the ones that need to be and snatch the dress. Or just go in all guns blazing."  
"Go down the vents." Marcel votes, Mats nods.  
"Alright."  
They sneak round the back of the shop and luckily there is a ladder at the back. They all climb up it and onto the roof.  
"Hey, have you ever jumped from one rooftop to another?" Mats asks Marcel as Kloppo works on opening the vent.  
"No but I reckon it'd be pretty cool." Marcel replies while throwing his gun in the air and clapping three times.  
"I did a couple of times." Kloppo admits as he twists the last screw off the vent with his miniature screwdriver.  
"Really? What was it like?" They start crawling down the vent. Kloppo first, Mats second and Marcel last. Mats hopes Marcel enjoys the view.  
"It was crazy and nerve wracking."  
"Why do you have a miniature screwdriver?" Marcel says in a disbelieving tone.  
"I have learnt over the years that you need to be prepared for anything."  
They stop by a vent cover and peer through the gaps. Kloppo shuffles forward and kicks out sideways, knocking the vent down. Mats scans the room for any sensors or cameras, when he spots them he shoots them down easily. He jumps down from the vent and looks for any more cameras and sensors. He motions from Marcel and Kloppo to jump down. He tip toes over to the dresses as he hears them jump down.  
"Shit. They all look the same." Marcel curses as he looks the dresses up and down. Mats sighs as quietly as he can but still express how much of an idiot Marcel is being,  
"This one is very plain, made of some cheap material compared to what I would want, it also is very sleek looking." Mats points to a dress on a mannequin to his left that fits the description he just said." While this one is big and has a veil and trail. It also has beaded patterns on it."  
Mats can hear Marcel roll his eyes.  
"Which one do you want?" Kloppo is staying on his toes and glancing round constantly.  
Mats hums as he looks at his choices. He likes the second one he saw. But there's this really pretty one in the far corner, that would make Mats look like an angel. But he really wants a veil. But he also wants puffy sleeves and not long sleeves. Then he sees the one he want right at the back, near the changing rooms. The skirt part is big but not too big and the torso is nice and simple, it has a veil, its got short sleeves, no trail.  
"That one." Mats points to it and walks over to it. He turns round to see Kloppo gesturing toward it with his gun and looking expectantly at Mats.  
"What?"  
Marcel face palms,  
"Put it on you idiot."  
"But my clothes.." Mats protests weakly.  
"Marcel will carry them." Kloppo looks at Marcel and nods.  
"Will I now?" Marcel grumbles before folding his arms as he mutters about how unfair his life is.  
Mats and Marcel gently and difficulty take the dress of mannequin while Kloppo sits on a chair with his legs crossed and a big smile on his face.  
Mats then takes the dress into the changing room with him, he throws his clothes over the curtain after he takes them off. Mats struggles to get in the dress but soon managed it. He calls Marcel in to help fix it up a bit.  
"How do you know how to fix up a wedding dress?"  
"My wife's way of dropping hints about wanting to get married was making me watch bridal shows. They were very entertaining and they taught me a lot."  
"You didn't get that they were hints, did you?"  
"Not at all." Marcel finishes the last touches and smiles.  
"You look nice" Marcel looks away. "For a guy in a dress."  
"I look nice. Full stop." Mats dazzles Marcel with a smile and struts out of the changing room like he owns the place.  
Kloppo gasps,  
"Oh Mats… I'm so proud. You look beautiful." Kloppo looks a little teary eyed as Mats twirls in his dress. Marcel wants to cry at that ridiculous old man.  
"Okay yes, Mats would make a beautiful woman. Now we need to leave. What if someone passes by?" Marcel tries to reason with the pair. Fortunately it gets through and they both straighten up.  
"We have the dress so let's fucking blow this place." Mats picks up a pair of nice white heels on the floor that he spots and quickly is smitten with them. He steps out of his shoes and kicks them in Marcel's direction before slipping into the heels. He walks over to the front entrance of the shop and kicks down on the handle. Alarms start blaring as the door swings open.  
"I'm stuck between being of awe of your stupidity or that you just broke a lock with your foot. In heels." Marcel says as he and Kloppo follow Mats out the door calmly.  
"Wait, are you walking out in the dress that you just stole?"  
"Um yes. It took my ages to get this on. I'm not taking it off just yet." Mats turns round yet and blushes at Marcel who raises an eyebrow.  
"How did you learn to walk in heels?" Marcel asks after a beat. They're all sitting on the curb of the road. Mats is admiring his shoes, Kloppo is tilting his head back and looking at the sky, Marcel throws his gun and the air and claps four times.  
Then a man comes up from the alley in front of them smoking a cigarette, takes one look at them all then at the shop and pulls out his phone. Kloppo snickers, the man is ringing the police. The man catches them looking and turns around and runs.  
"Well, one time because the situation called for it, I had to dress like a woman and seduce some horrible rich man." Mats explains.  
"But Neven has longer hair. So couldn't he pull off as a girl?"  
"Neven can't walk in heels or look as good as me in a dress."  
"Fair enough."  
They sit in silence for a few more minutes when they hear police sirens wailing and Mats grins as he stands up.  
"Marcel, clothes. Get ready."  
"Oh you boys are leaving an an old man like me behind?" Kloppo jokes as he cocks his gun.  
"I'm sure you'll be fine." Marcel grins. The police sirens stop and the police begin shouting the usual put your hands up, its the police.  
Mats picks up the skirt of his dress and begins running down the street and Marcel follows him screeching curses at him as the police shout for them to stop. Mats hears a gunshot and knows its Kloppo by the laugh that soon follows. He keeps running with a huge smile on his face.  
"You crazy magical bastard." Marcel shouts, referring to the way Mats can easily run in heels.  
Mats' smile gets bigger and he can't help but feels endlessly happy despite how much he has fucked up. Oh well, he stops at the end of street and waits for Marcel before running down an alley. He has no idea where he is going. Or what he plans to do. He just knows he's okay and happy. Things will work themselves out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be posting a new fic after I update my Madrid fic.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I slept with him. We made sweet-"   
> Neven cuts him off with a swing of his fist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for spelling and grammar mistakes. And how awful this is for a final chapter.

Mats wasn't ready. He takes a deep breath and looks at Marcel who is fussing over Mario's tie, Marco looks positively done with Mario and his ability to do his own tie.  
Mats' wedding is in an hour and he is sitting in his apartment with three of his friends. He has no idea where Neven is and it seems no else does. He's getting married in a church that's 20 minutes away. And his dress looks awesome. So there are good things and bad things going on for Mats right now.

It started off fine: his hair was not a bird's nest when he woke up, Marcel brought breakfast when he came round, Mario and Marco dropped by with big smiles and entwined hands, Kloppo text him several emoticons. Compared to some mornings, it was pretty good. Of course if he saw or heard from Neven it would have been better. If anyone had, it would help Mats' nerves a little.  
"Hey so is your hooligan lover coming to your wedding?" Mario asks as he straightening his tie. Marcel glares at him and Marco hisses something in a low tone that Mats can't hear. He shrugs,  
" I don't know. But know what I do know?" Mats gets of the bed and goes over to the cupboard. "That i need some wine." He picks out some red wine and unscrews the lid. He goes to pour some when he stops and clenches the bottle tightly. Neven's words echo in his mind and Mats snaps. He throws the bottle on the floor, the glass shattering almost makes Mats smile, and storms out of his apartment. 

It's not fair. He fucked up once. And Neven runs off. How the fuck are they gonna manage being married? Mats punches the wall. Why. Punch. Can't. Punch. He. Punch. Just. Punch. Be. Punch. Happy. The last punch is pretty weak because Mats is so tired. So tired of everything. Planning his wedding was stressful because he wanted everything perfect. Tired of being reminded of his past because of Benni. Tired of having to put on a happy expression to make sure his friends don't worry. He feels his eyes well up with tears of frustration. Why is everything so hard? Then he feels a pair of arms wrap around him. Mats instantly relaxes. It would be a lie to say he doesn't care who is hugging him but it would also to be a lie to say he doesn't mind be hugged by a stranger. But then Mats can probably guess who it is. 

They stay like that for a few minutes till Mats has calmed down and he feels his whole body relax. Then whoever it is pulls away and Mats stays like that, fist against the wall and his head bent down.   
"Are you okay?" Marco questions and Mats pushes off the wall and smiles. He wonders if Marco knows who was just there.  
"Of course. I am. When am I not?" Mats replies, he wants to sit on the floor but it will ruin his dress. Marco must see through his act because he pulls a face and stomps over to Mats like angry teenager. Mats almost laughs, he remembers when Marco,Kloppo and Neven first came and how moody and sarcastic Marco was. The stomping reminds Mats of that. Marco used to stomp and sigh all the time, he also liked to be be really snide to a lot of people. Mats can't say shit he was the same. Angry and full of hatred for how the world had treated him.   
"You asshole. You still think we don't know?" Marco is standing in front of him with the corners of his mouth quirked upwards. "We know you're having one of your little breakdowns and we get it. We're all a little fucked up. But don't think you have to deal with it on your own. We're here for you. Even Mario, despite his stupidity." Marco sounds fond and Mats hugs him because he needed that a bit. Marco hugs back.

They go back into Mats' apartment and Marcel has finally sorted out Mario's tie.  
"I don't know why you spent so long doing his tie. It's only going to be coming off later." Marco mutters as he winks at a blushing Mario.  
"Actually none of you can have sex tonight because it's my wedding night." Mats declares gleefully as they head out of his apartment.  
"I'd like to see you try and stop me." Marco challenges. Marcel looks helplessly at Mario who is blushing and avoiding eye contact.   
"Oh I have methods. Don't worry." Mats smirks as they wait for the wedding car to turn up.  
"Are you proposing a foursome, Mats?" Mario gapes slightly.  
"And here's me thinking you're a little vanilla bitch and then you propose a threesome." Marco cackles and Mario just smirks,  
"Least I'm not a kinky slut like you. I'm not the one who asked to be tied to the bed or the one who asked to be called-" Mario is cut off by Marco kissing him with a scowl on his face. Marcel shakes his head and pulled a face. They pull apart reluctantly and Marcel can see Mats sulking next to him.  
"It'll be your turn soon." Marcel reassures as the wedding car pulls up.  
Mats can only hope.

 

Mats isn't panicking. Like at all. Just because he is suppose to be getting married in 10 minutes and Neven is nowhere to be found. All his friends are sitting in the church in suits with concerned expressions. Mats can't imagine what his face is like. He feels sick and just plain disappointed. He thought Neven was the last person who was going to let him down Least of all on their wedding day. He can hear Marcel muttering darkly into his phone. 

He spends a few minutes feeling shit and sorry for himself before he feels a flare of anger. Fuck Neven. First, he can't handle that Mats fucked up once and now he isn't turning up to their wedding. Mats may love this man with all his heart but there is only so much bullshit he can take on his wedding day. Mats marches over to Marcel and whispers harshly in his ear,  
"He has 20 minutes or I'm going to the reception and drink myself into a coma."  
Mats would love to say he was exaggerating  
Marcel pales and straightens his tie before muttering to the phone with urgency his voice. Mats smiles grimly and wishes for a glass of wine as he sits down next to Marco and listens to him and Mario bicker. It's oddly soothing.

Neven is still nowhere to be found 15 minutes later. Mats bites his lip and looks at the ground. He won't cry. He wants to so bad. He can't even make his hands into fists. He feels numb. Everything just washes over him. The chatter of the guests, the looks from Marcel, Mario, Marco and Kloppo, Marcel's hand on his shoulder. He can't find anything in it. Marcel and him are sitting down,Mats got tired of standing at the altar waiting a long time ago and it didn't help his mood,separate from everyone else. Marcel's lips are in a thin line and a frown on his face. Mats wonders if he thinks it is his fault. He wants to say it's not. That it's Mats' fault. But his tongue feels heavy and awkward. It refuses to form words. He probably never deserved this anyway. The life he led before coming here wasn't full of helping little old ladies and selling girl scout cookies. It shouldn't be surprise and maybe deep down it isn't, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

Neven runs a hand through his hair and sighs as he gets out his car. Late for his own fucking wedding. He knows Mats will be freaking out and so will all their friends quietly. Neven feels a pang in his heart at the thought of Mats being sad. He thinks of an apology that will never be good enough. He straightens his tie and takes a step towards the church.  
"Late for your own wedding." Someone tuts behind Neven. Neven turns round. He never liked Benedikt Höwedes. And the fact he slept with his soon to be husband doesn't help.  
"Why are you even here?" Neven asks, he doesn't have time for this. He'd really like to assure his husband that he didn't mean to leave him waiting for so long and yes he does love him.   
"Didn't Mats tell you I was invited?" Benedikt faking innocence which makes Neven roll his eyes. "Or did he miss that out along with the part where we slept together?"  
Neven flinches a little, wow low blow even for an asshole like Benedikt Höwedes. Because it hurts to think that Mats would even considering sleeping with Benedikt when he has Neven. Neven who drags him home after rough nights, who makes him breakfast the way he likes it, who loves him despite his flaws, who has his back all the time. When all Benedikt did was be a dickhead with Mats, have a hooligan romance and lead Mats down a dodgy path. Not that Neven leads him down a better path but Neven is better than Benedikt.  
"Where is the proof you slept with him?" Neven 's seen people do this on TV. Act like you know their secret and use it against them. Maybe it will work. Maybe it won't.  
"W-W-What?" Benedikt stutters and blinks quickly, looking a little lost. Neven has to try not to fist pump. It worked.   
"You expect me to believe you with no proof except your word? I trust you about as fat as I can throw you."  
"Why would I lie about sleeping with Mats?"   
"Because you're an asshole who can't let go."  
"My proof is Mats."  
"He was probably drunk out of his mind. He passes out before you could even…." Neven trails off because he'd rather not admit what Benedikt was going to do with Neven's soon to be husband. If only this prick would just admit that he never actually slept with Mats.  
"I slept with him. We made sweet-"   
Neven cuts him off with a swing of his fist. Right in Benedikt's jaw. Benedikt falls over right on his ass, very clearly not expecting the punch. He rubs his jaw and glares up at Neven. Neven shrugs, it was not undeserved. He eyes up Benedikt, keeping his eyes on his upper half. Which is Neven's downfall. He doesn't expect the kick at all. Neven falls from surprise. Not because the kick was actually any good. He scowls at Benedikt asshole Höwedes and gets back. Benedikt either wasn't expecting Neven to fight back or he just is really an asshole who likes to pretend he's not, Neven decides as he scrambles up onto his feet. He smirks as he brushes himself down,  
"Me and Mats fucked on your-"   
Neven has never punched someone so hard.  
"You fucking dickhead." Neven yells and aims for Benedikt's jaw.

Mats sitting behind everyone else now, he is lay down with his head propped up on his hands.   
"Hey guys, guys." Mats says, everyone swivels round. "Do you think they have any wine?"  
"Probably not. Its a church." Says Lukasz.  
"But they have wine for that ceremony thing." Says Mario says.  
"Oh yeah, I know what you mean. What's it called now?" Says Jonas, tapping his chin.  
"Community wine!" Exclaims Erik.  
"Jesus Christ, its Communion wine." Marcel face palms.  
"They do sound alike." Kevin reasons.  
"No they don't." Kuba argues.  
A argument then breaks out about words that sound similar or whatever. Then Pierre and Ciro start comparing words in their languages then with words in German. Mats can't stop the tiny swell in his chest. Idiots.  
"You fucking dickhead!" A familiar voice yells from outside and everyone stops. So does Mats heart. He jumps up, picking the skirt of his dress up and scattering towards the doors of the church, everyone follows. He pushes the doors open and-  
Any other time in his life,Mats would be so turned on right now. Neven is lying on top of Benni, with his hand fisted around his shirt. But well, the pure happiness of seeing Neven overwhelms that completely.  
"Admit it!" Neven demands and shakes Benni. Benni shakes his head, Mats notices his spilt lip and his mouth is bleeding. It must hurt to talk.  
"Admit what? That me and Mats fuc-" Benni starts but Neven punches him right in the nose and Mats winces to himself. Neven looks much better than Benni, not a mark on him. Mats has always reckoned that Neven would be a good fighter. But then Benni was raised on street fights.   
"In your dreams maybe you did. Admit that you lied to him. Admit that you never slept with him." Neven demands again. Benni opens his mouth to reply but Neven raises an eyebrow and he shuts it.  
"I know that you never because if you did, it would have meant at something right? And then you wouldn't be so cocky or try so hard to convince yourself ." Neven's eyes soften and his grip loosens slightly. "What the point otherwise?"  
Benni's face scrunches up and then he sighs and his whole body sags.  
"Alright, alright. I… I lied. I didn't sleep with Mats. He fell asleep before I could even get naked. But… we did kiss." A smug glint returns to Benni's eyes. Neven manages to not flinch but his eyes dart to the left and his lips press in a line.  
"You shouldn't have made him think that. I bet you have no idea how he beat himself up over it. He deserves better. He tries so hard all the time for not just me, but everyone. "  
If they weren't getting married already then Mats would definitely ask him to right now.  
"Neven." Mats says, swallowing the lump of affection in his throat. Neven and Benni's heads snap up. Benni pales and Neven smiles and its like fucking sunshine. He scrambles off Benni and runs a hand through his hair nervously. Mats looks expectantly at him but Neven says nothing, avoiding his gaze. Mats sighs. He does have to try.  
"Neven."  
"Mats."  
There are several mutters of 'Jesus Christ' as they both stand there.  
"I'm sorry for being late." Neven blurts.  
"Why were you?"  
"I was nervous... After yesterday."  
"Me too."  
Benni seems to have gotten to his feet and has staggered over to them. His hand is pressed against his now bleeding nose. Mats winces at the sight of him.   
"L-Listen Mats, I never meant to lie to you like that. I just…"   
Mats schools his expression into a blank one.  
"You just what? Lied to me? Nearly ruined my wedding?" Mats says in a (fake) exasperated tone.  
"Mats, it was a one night only thing."  
"All we were was a one night thing." Mats sneers and turns on his heel and walks back into the church leaving a gaping Benni in his wake.

Marco enjoys the ceremony. Its quick and to the point, he always hated those long, dreary weddings. It's what he sometimes imagined his wedding would be like. He doesn't know if he would now. Or ever. Marco thinks it may be one of those things you see and hear about since you were small and it just gets imprinted into you. A thing you believe you must do. Marco pushes the thought away and concentrates on Mats grinning and saying 'I do'. 

They're all stood outside the church. The bells are ringing, the camera is flashing and the cheering is endless. Kloppo is at the back with Marco, Mario is well into the wedding and oblivious to Marco's stare.  
"You thinking about your wedding?" Kloppo asks quietly in his ear from behind, Marco scowls and turns slightly.  
"As if."   
"He'd look quite nice in a dress."  
"We wouldn't."  
"Someday. You will."  
Marco nods distractedly and keeps looking at Mario and hi smiling face that lights up everything. Maybe. One day. He could put up with all the melodrama and suits for him. Kloppo shoots him and knowing grim before clapping him on the back and dragging him into a wedding car heading to the reception.

Marco's phone buzzes halfway there. He checks it and bites back a smile.

 

we all know you'd be wearing the dress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and those who have stuck with me since I started this AU. Thank you for every Kudos and Comment. :)


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